Transparent

I'm just as guilty as the next girl. I want my life to look perfect to the outside world. It's actually pretty desperate and sad. I post all of the good stuff, take pictures when everyone looks cute, and talk about how awesome everything is. When in reality, sometimes that is as far from the truth as possible. I know I still have it pretty great, and I'm not about to air my dirty laundry online, BUT I am real and I have real struggles. I know you have real struggles too. I'm just about as far from perfect as possible.

I spend entirely too much time at work. Sometimes it is unavoidable, but I need to practice saying no. My family deserves to have a wife and mom who makes them a priority. Most would say that's easy...just do it. However, most are not teachers, Ag teachers who have almost 100 FFA members who depend on them for more than the average school day allows. And wait, you want me to grade papers from 155 students, teach class, update technology, coach CDE teams, plan meetings, fundraisers, and events. Yea - say no to all of that. It is so hard!

I spend too much time on trivial things. I desperately WANT to be crafty, cute, and have a perfect home that is clean all of the time. I still need to hang curtains, decorate, install hardware on all of my cabinets, and refinish some furniture. I spend about 5 minutes on Pinterest and have a list a mile long of things I need to do. I hope my husband is ok with my saying that I plan on staying here for a VERY long time. We have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL home and perfection takes time. I need to give myself a break. I also need to QUIT COMPARING myself to other people.

I don't spend near enough time just being a wife. I was a wife first. Before there were three (almost 4), it was just us. Long before I am ever ready, it will just be us again. I need to be a wife, first. I need to be a wife before ANYTHING else. I need reminded of this daily. I have a husband who has needs. I need to put those first. I struggle with this daily.

I find myself being consumed by what others think sometimes. I could spend an entire conversation wondering if I am asking enough questions or talking too much about myself. I never want to seem self-absorbed or disinterested. I actually have a mental tally in my head about how much time I am spending talking compared to listening. I worry about how I am perceived. I carelessly and freely have conversations where I will say...so and so, yea they are great. so sweet, etc...While I wish I could over hear someone's conversation about me. What would they say? I can only hope that it would be positive. I always operate with the best intentions at heart. I hope that is always how they are perceived.

I'm only human. I'm a constant work in progress. Yet among all of these insecurities, I am confident. I am happy. I am blessed beyond belief. Each night when I put my son to bed, we say, "Dear Jesus, Thank you for today." And I truly mean every single word of that. I'm thankful for each second, whether it be laced with stress and worry or bouncing with blessings. I'm grateful for it all. It means I get one more day to become the best me I can be.

Bambino Update!

Bringing you a wonderful Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas deal. 3 blogs for the rock bottom price of ONE!

How far along?  16 Weeks

Total weight gain: Not looking
Maternity clothes? Yes…maternity clothes are in full force. Took all of my regular clothes out of my closet

Sleep: As often as possible
Best moment this week: Thanksgiving without morning sickness. Yum!

Miss Anything? No. Life is so normal that I sometimes forget I am pregnant.

Movement: Yes! Little flutters here and there. So cool to feel movement again.

Food cravings: Nothing in particular

Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of beer

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Nothing

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Movement – I can’t wait to feel you wiggle, jiggle, and dance around in there!

Graham’s Moment of the Week: Graham got a big boy bed this week and we took down the crib in his room, sorted through all of his too small clothes, and rearranged his furniture. It was a lot to take in one day, but we are all adjusting. Graham has also named you Princess and when asked if he wants a baby brother or baby sister...he says (exasperated) "It's a baaaaaaby, Mom."

How far along?  17 Weeks

Total weight gain: Still too scared. You’d think I had packed on 30 lbs by the way everyone looks at me.
Maternity clothes? All in...goodbye buttons!

Sleep: Am I narcoleptic? Getting some energy back.
Best moment this week: Daddy felt movement this week!

Miss Anything? The ability to rest like I did when I was pregnant with G. 2 yr olds don't rest…

Movement: It has to be quiet, I have to be still, but I feel this little miracle!

Food cravings: Olives

Anything making you queasy or sick: Beer and tobacco…the usual

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Feeling pretty good!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! Stressed! Happy!
Looking forward to: Our ultrasound! I love seeing your sweet little self.

Graham Moment this Week: Sometimes I lose track of how funny your very sweet big brother is. He is going to be the BEST big brother…as long as you don’t touch his toys.

How far along?  18 Weeks

Total weight gain: 1.5 lbs - boom! I was terrified to see that number.
Maternity clothes? All in to my stretchy life. I love it now, I’ll hate it in 5 months.

Sleep: Except for the night your brother had a stomach virus, sleep is pretty great.
Best moment this week: Seeing your sweet little self on the ultrasound…especially through Graham’s eyes!

Miss Anything? Pants with shape…all of my pants are too short and too baggy!

Movement: Flutters, kickboxing, rolling

Food cravings: Sweet tooth this week. I love ice cream!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing

Gender: Surprise! I considered finding out but we didn't. Or did we? You'll never know!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: I have a cough that just won’t go away!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! So Happy! I’m starting to think about planning your nursery and getting excited about everything.
Looking forward to: Getting started on your nursery. I can’t wait to make a space just for you!

Graham Moment this week: I told G we were going to see the baby at the dr’s office…he looked at me, concerned, and said…Mommy, you left your baby at the doctor?!?

PS - I should start taking some bump pics. I am a few weeks behind. 

Surprise!

Hi! Just wanted to let you know that I am still alive...and pregnant! So, I'm going to journal about this pregnancy. I'll try to update more frequently, but I promise you don't want this over stressed, super tired mama writing any more tonight. 

11/21/14

How far along?  15 Weeks

Total weight gain: The scale is not my friend…already showing and everyone is already letting me know about it. When did that become socially acceptable?!?
Maternity clothes? Yes, gave up on trying to wear regular clothes already. About 4 weeks ahead of last pregnancy. Yikes!

Stretch marks? Existing battle wounds from Round 1.
Sleep: I could sleep for days if older brother would sleep all night. Having a two yr old who is afraid of EVERYTHING is making this pregnant mama tired!
Best moment this week: Everytime Graham talks about “his” baby. My heart fills with joy.

Miss Anything? Sleep filled, stress free days. And a beer (or 5) on stressful days!

Movement: No

Food cravings: Pickles & Olives. I’ve always loved the 2 but could eat them every day.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Smells and textures

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: I’ve felt pretty great this week!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Movement – It is the single most thing I have missed about being pregnant. 

Bursting my Bubble

I woke up early this morning with butterflies in my stomach. Even at 27, I still get first day of school jitters. I was pumped! I had previously chosen my outfit, spent hours days weeks of summer "vacation" preparing my classroom, and was thoroughly excited about implementing my new curriculum. The morning was a blur as I was busy catching up with previous students and getting to know new ones. By 3:00, I thought...this day MUST be too good to be true?!? It was smooth sailing and I was feeling great about the coming year. The kids were excited, I was excited...the year is going to be awesome!

And then...I got on Facebook. (why?)... after scrolling mindlessly through many posts about back to school, I came across one that just burnt right through me. Before I comment on it, I should say that this is not a personal attack on the poster. This is not even directed toward the poster OR the commenters...it's about the high schoolers who are feeling this way, already complaining about school. I've been on the outside so I get what it must look like, but now I am on the inside so I'd like to provide a peak for those that are not. 

"...high school must stink nowadays bc I haven't read one positive thing from any of the high schoolers..." 

Just like any quote, there were words before and after, but this part is what got me. The poster asked for others to share their opinions...Many people commented about how teachers pile homework on the first day and high school should be all about social networking. Wait, did I read that correctly?  Is that really what these kids think? 

First of all, teachers don't get to choose what we cover in our subject area. We are given standards by the Department of Education that we are required to cover. When we take a closer look at them, it seems that there is about 220 days worth of information to cover in 180 without considering pep rally's, school day meetings, testing, and all of the student's appointments/sick days that MUST be scheduled during the school day. Not only is what we teach mandated, how well your student performs determines our pay check. Literally. If your child is completely uninterested in Agriculture and I put on a smoke show every single day to try to engage them, but they still don't care enough to do their assignments and give a shit on their assessments, I don't get a raise...ever. It doesn't matter how long I have been teaching or how many chances I give them to do and re-do work, if they don't care - I get punished. Period.

While it may seem that teachers continually PILE on homework, I find it hard to believe that ANY teacher would intentionally give pointless and ridiculous assignments just because. Your student does ONE assignment for that teacher - they grade ALL of them. If I give daily assignments to each of my students, I have 150 assignments to grade every single day. Ain't nobody got time for that! However, it is a requirement of teachers to post grades at regular intervals. And get this, the same parents/students that complain about the excessive amount of homework that is assigned, complain when there is no homework assigned and there are minimal grades in the gradebook. We just can't win!

But here is what it really boils down to. The kids I saw in the hallway today were excited to be back in school and eager to meet the new year. They were laughing, chatting, and enjoying the new"ness" of the year, but as soon as I asked them if they were happy to be back, they instantly grumbled. Just like my teenage self did...who likes school any way? It would be so not cool to admit that they had a great first day...especially on facebook.

You know what would be super cool though? If the parents, adults, older siblings, and community members didn't fuel their dislike for school and instead, told them how important it was/is to get an education. That their teachers do their very best every day to help prepare them for college, careers, and life. Often taking time away from their own families to help each student succeed. This stuff really does matter and you have used it in a real world situation. Instead of complaining to the teacher when their students are "bogged down" with homework, help the students understand that it is a privilege to attend school freely and without persecution. Because, there are many places in the world that is absolutely NOT the situation. 

Mom Time

I've posted previously about struggling with how to be a wife, mom, teacher, advisor, friend, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and person all at the same time. In order to remain sane, it is necessary to spend some time just being Me. I have some go to activities that I like to do when I get a chance to just be me. I like to enjoy breakfast or lunch on my new patio in the quiet. I love to grab a Shaken Iced Black Tea from Starbucks and stroll through Target. I really enjoy getting my nails and toes done a couple times a month. I used to like to run (when I was in shape). I love to read. 

None of these things, in my opinion, are crazy unusual or high maintenance. Every thing on the list was done on the regular before I joined the mom ranks. Now, when I get the opportunity to do these things I INSTANTLY feel guilt, regret, and shame wash over me. How can I, a really busy lady, justify taking a couple hours at a nail salon when I could be coloring on the floor with one of my favorite people in the world? Do I even deserve this? What kind of mom am I to ditch my kid for an afternoon of shopping? I usually set a time limit in my head for a reasonable amount of "me time." If I go over that by 1 minute, I regret the entire experience. 

The internal struggle I feel is immense. I deserve this...but do I? There are women all over the place who are desperate to become a mom, but struggle with infertility or miscarriage. Moms who are desperate for one more minute with a little one that was taken too soon. So, friends and followers...how do you justify "me time" without feeling guilty? 

Happy 2nd Birthday, G!

I love nothing more than putting together a successful event where our family and friends can get together and enjoy one another's company. G man's birthday was no different. Being back "home" in the County I grew up in means that our little man will almost always celebrate his birthday during the 4-H fair. What's a little added stress, anyway ?

Graham loves Choo Choo's right now so we planned a Thomas the Train Birthday party. I wanted it to be centered around Thomas, but not Thomas overload. I think we had a good balance.

Cake by Heartsville Sweets

 I found a lot of inspiration from Pinterest, but came to the realization that I am NOT a full time party planner with an unlimited budget. By Saturday around noon, I was in complete bitch mode because I had placed entirely too much pressure on myself. I had a major reality check when I yelled at Graham for "ruining" one of HIS party decorations. Seriously, it was HIS birthday and I was freaking out. I took a deep breath (and drank a beer), told myself to RELAX, and focus more on having a happy toddler and less on a perfect birthday. While I love planning parties and making decorations, I am no where near a super human. So, next year...we're ordering pizza. (haha, like that will ever happen!)

To The Class of 2014

Dude, I haven't posted since April 14th...class of 2014, don't be like me. 

To the Class of 2014, wow...you made it! I mean, it has only taken you 12 years (13 if you went to mandatory kindergarten...for those that didn't, that explains a lot) It really is about time. You've had at least 13 teachers...probably more, but I never claimed to teach math, and multiply that by infinity <--yea, that many homework assignments. You've had friends, changed friends, switched boyfriends/girlfriends with your friends, and remained friends. Up until this point in your life, you've woken up, gone to school, gone to work, copied done homework, maybe played sports, and had a couple hours minutes of free time here and there. You have the world in the palm of your hands, you can do whatever you set your mind to, and you'll absolutely shit rainbows and sunshine for the rest of your days. 

I've told you before - life is about to get real. Really real. I understand that some of you have had some pretty tough times in the past 13 years. Most of you, have not. Please, hold on...because this ride is full of twists, turns, peaks, valleys, and 360 degree loop-ty loops that will knock you flat. 

No matter what the future holds for you, promise me the following. 

Please, do not drink yourselves dead. Really though - that shit will kill you. I know you are going to drink, get drunk, and wake up with a hangover that will leave you wishing you were dead. Always remember, alcohol can kill you (and allow a lot of other stupid/regrettable things to happen). Party with friends you trust, and if you don't trust them...have sober fun. Trust me. 

Drugs are ALWAYS a bad idea. Getting rufied is a real thing. Don't leave your drink unattended and don't let some random mix you a drink without keeping your eye on it. I am not stupid (and I am human), I know you are going to party. Please, party smart.

While we are on the topic of partying and stupidity, DON'T get arrested. Criminal records do not look good on background checks. 

Don't be that girl. Living in a dorm my freshman year in college, I knew a lot of "those girls". You know, the ones who like to flirt, lead guys on, and be the center of attention at a frat party. I promise you that someone is going to get the wrong idea and think you actually do want him to walk you home (in college speak, to your bed) and won't take "no" for an answer. Unless you have been working on a pretty tough upper cut - don't be that girl. 

Don't be that guy - you know, the douche bag one I mentioned above. It might seem far off, but no one wants to take a one night stand home to meet their mama. Think about that.

Go to class. Honestly, you your parents are paying an arm and a leg (maybe a testicle/ovary) for your college education. Skip every now and then, but go on the regular - even if you are hungover. There are trash cans in classrooms for a reason. It is amazing how the information sticks in your mind to make you answer the one question right you need to pass that mid-term exam. D, however does not equal bachelor's degree. 

Do party with your friends (bowling, ice cream, board games, flippy cup, beer pong - whatever your style). Dance in the middle of the dance floor (NOT on a pole) even if no one else will join you. Go places on the weekend...scrape up some pennies and do stuff.  Ask your parents for advice. Love yourself. Soak in every single second because it will fly by and rock your face off. 

Soon (but not too soon!) your Friday nights will consist of a much messier/chaotic dinner, perfectly timed around an 8:00 bed time routine. While I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, I will save those details for your 5 year reunion speech. 

PS - this was meant to be advice that no one else would tell you. That mushy crap, I believe all of that too - you've just heard it enough.