Jolly Holly Days

Woah...I woke up this morning feeling like I got ran over by a reindeer. We've been non stop celebrating Christmas since the start of Christmas Eve church service at 6 pm on Dec. 24. It's been so much fun celebrating with a very vocal 2 yr old who can turn squeals of excitement in to words about just how much he loves his new blue tractor, combine, shimmer cow, or shopping cart. I have loved every second of this non stop celebration. Until today. 

Today is Sunday which means its church day. Ugh, I didn't want to get up and do anything! I didn't want to shower, get dressed, OR go to church. I was tired of being jolly, tired of celebrating, tired of going, tired of doing. Bah Humbug. But today wasn't just any Sunday. Today was a special Sunday where we would be worshiping at a different church for a different occasion. Today wasn't about me or my pajamas, today was about Katie and Josh. Today was bittersweet. Today was hard. Today was important.

I don't typically talk about my family (directly) on this blog. After all, they deserve privacy, but I don't think Katie nor Josh would mind me sharing a little bit of their story. Katie is my "little" cousin. We grew up in the country as each other's only neighbors. Our moms are sisters and had 5 kids in 5 years. Katie and I were the only girls. We grew up doing pretty much everything together while still remaining individuals. We spent a lot of time together. 

Katie met Josh in high school. They've been together ever since. It hasn't always been easy, but they've always remained by each other's sides. After graduating college, they got married in 2011. Josh began pastoring at Waynesburg Christian Church, where he grew up. We were pregnant at the same time and our boys were born exactly one month apart. The last year has been an incredibly difficult one for Katie and Josh. Very quickly after finding out Katie was pregnant with their second child, she got a kidney stone. This is not abnormal for Kate because she gets kidney stones like the average person gets headaches. However, Katie wasn't able to pass this kidney stone and her pregnancy further complicated treatment. A nephrostomy tube was placed in Kate's back to drain her kidney. All was great, until it got infected. Katie got sepsis - an infection in the blood stream and landed in the ICU. I know its impossible to understand through words, but we were VERY close to losing her. Miraculously, she never lost her baby. Katie continued to battle kidney stones throughout her pregnancy, she continued to get infections, she continued to be sick. She also had a toddler and prayerfully began a new journey with Josh, church planting. A very health baby boy was born in October and we all hoped that Katie's kidney problems would end with her pregnancy. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. She has continued to be sick and struggle with infection and pain since October. Throughout all of her medical journey, they have pursued church planting and will be leaving to do a church planting residency next week. They'll move to another state for 18 months and learn how to be church planters. 

This has been an amazing journey for them. They've had to raise 18 months salary and recently had a 30K in 30 days campaign. I'm anxiously awaiting the results of that, but I am just sure they made it. You can learn more about their journey here and how you can be a part of it. I strongly encourage you to keep up with what they are doing. Great things are in store for them. 

Katie has always been an inspiration to me. She is a woman of intense faith, an amazing wife, mom, and friend. She is selfless. She doesn't complain. She is amazing. Josh is a lucky man to have her as his wife. I'm going to miss her tremendously. 

Today was about celebrating them, sending them off, and wishing them well. Today was bittersweet. Today was hard, but today was important. 

Matthew 28:19-20(ESV)

19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Weeks 19 and 20

12/19/14

How far along?  19 Weeks

Total weight gain: 0 – thanks to the stomach virus
Maternity clothes? Can still wear some regular tops, but none of my jeans button

Sleep: When my toddler allows it
Best moment this week: Movement

Miss Anything? A Life without restriction. Carrying things, going places, doing things without being treated like I’m incapable.

Movement: Flutters, Kickboxing

Food cravings: All things salty

Anything making you queasy or sick: Sweets - weird

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: None pregnancy related, stomach virus = hell

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy except for the 8 straight hours I threw up every 15 minutes. I’ll spare you the gory details, but…yuck!

Looking forward to: Everything!

Graham Moment this week: He says so many funny things. He told his Mims this week, “I have a baby in my belly and it’s a wonderful experience.” Where in the world does he come up with these things?

The look of "awe" in his eyes!

Halfway there!

12/26/14

How far along?  20 Weeks

Total weight gain: Back to 0…again, thanks to the stomach virus…I’ve developed quite the bump. See picture
Maternity clothes? I love having an excuse to wear stretchy clothes all the time!

Sleep: When my toddler allows it, I’m not sure why or how he wakes so frequently, but it would be awesome if he slept like a toddler instead of an infant!
Best moment this week: Christmas! It was the most wonderful Christmas we have had yet. We finally got the opportunity to wake up in our own home on Christmas morning. Graham was able to verbalize his excitement which makes Christmas so much more enjoyable. I can’t wait to share it with you next year!

Miss Anything? No, my life is pretty normal

Movement: Flutters, Kickboxing, Fist Pumping

Food cravings: My appetite has decreased significantly from that dreaded stomach virus. I’m eating half of what I was before.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Sweets. What a time of the year to not want or enjoy sweets. Bummer!

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: None

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Who could be anything but overjoyed at Christmas time with a 2 yr old?!?

Looking forward to: Daddy and Graham feeling you move!

Graham’s Best Moment This Week: Christmas. Have I mentioned how much he loves his blue tractor??

Transparent

I'm just as guilty as the next girl. I want my life to look perfect to the outside world. It's actually pretty desperate and sad. I post all of the good stuff, take pictures when everyone looks cute, and talk about how awesome everything is. When in reality, sometimes that is as far from the truth as possible. I know I still have it pretty great, and I'm not about to air my dirty laundry online, BUT I am real and I have real struggles. I know you have real struggles too. I'm just about as far from perfect as possible.

I spend entirely too much time at work. Sometimes it is unavoidable, but I need to practice saying no. My family deserves to have a wife and mom who makes them a priority. Most would say that's easy...just do it. However, most are not teachers, Ag teachers who have almost 100 FFA members who depend on them for more than the average school day allows. And wait, you want me to grade papers from 155 students, teach class, update technology, coach CDE teams, plan meetings, fundraisers, and events. Yea - say no to all of that. It is so hard!

I spend too much time on trivial things. I desperately WANT to be crafty, cute, and have a perfect home that is clean all of the time. I still need to hang curtains, decorate, install hardware on all of my cabinets, and refinish some furniture. I spend about 5 minutes on Pinterest and have a list a mile long of things I need to do. I hope my husband is ok with my saying that I plan on staying here for a VERY long time. We have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL home and perfection takes time. I need to give myself a break. I also need to QUIT COMPARING myself to other people.

I don't spend near enough time just being a wife. I was a wife first. Before there were three (almost 4), it was just us. Long before I am ever ready, it will just be us again. I need to be a wife, first. I need to be a wife before ANYTHING else. I need reminded of this daily. I have a husband who has needs. I need to put those first. I struggle with this daily.

I find myself being consumed by what others think sometimes. I could spend an entire conversation wondering if I am asking enough questions or talking too much about myself. I never want to seem self-absorbed or disinterested. I actually have a mental tally in my head about how much time I am spending talking compared to listening. I worry about how I am perceived. I carelessly and freely have conversations where I will say...so and so, yea they are great. so sweet, etc...While I wish I could over hear someone's conversation about me. What would they say? I can only hope that it would be positive. I always operate with the best intentions at heart. I hope that is always how they are perceived.

I'm only human. I'm a constant work in progress. Yet among all of these insecurities, I am confident. I am happy. I am blessed beyond belief. Each night when I put my son to bed, we say, "Dear Jesus, Thank you for today." And I truly mean every single word of that. I'm thankful for each second, whether it be laced with stress and worry or bouncing with blessings. I'm grateful for it all. It means I get one more day to become the best me I can be.

Bambino Update!

Bringing you a wonderful Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas deal. 3 blogs for the rock bottom price of ONE!

How far along?  16 Weeks

Total weight gain: Not looking
Maternity clothes? Yes…maternity clothes are in full force. Took all of my regular clothes out of my closet

Sleep: As often as possible
Best moment this week: Thanksgiving without morning sickness. Yum!

Miss Anything? No. Life is so normal that I sometimes forget I am pregnant.

Movement: Yes! Little flutters here and there. So cool to feel movement again.

Food cravings: Nothing in particular

Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of beer

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Nothing

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Movement – I can’t wait to feel you wiggle, jiggle, and dance around in there!

Graham’s Moment of the Week: Graham got a big boy bed this week and we took down the crib in his room, sorted through all of his too small clothes, and rearranged his furniture. It was a lot to take in one day, but we are all adjusting. Graham has also named you Princess and when asked if he wants a baby brother or baby sister...he says (exasperated) "It's a baaaaaaby, Mom."

How far along?  17 Weeks

Total weight gain: Still too scared. You’d think I had packed on 30 lbs by the way everyone looks at me.
Maternity clothes? All in...goodbye buttons!

Sleep: Am I narcoleptic? Getting some energy back.
Best moment this week: Daddy felt movement this week!

Miss Anything? The ability to rest like I did when I was pregnant with G. 2 yr olds don't rest…

Movement: It has to be quiet, I have to be still, but I feel this little miracle!

Food cravings: Olives

Anything making you queasy or sick: Beer and tobacco…the usual

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Feeling pretty good!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! Stressed! Happy!
Looking forward to: Our ultrasound! I love seeing your sweet little self.

Graham Moment this Week: Sometimes I lose track of how funny your very sweet big brother is. He is going to be the BEST big brother…as long as you don’t touch his toys.

How far along?  18 Weeks

Total weight gain: 1.5 lbs - boom! I was terrified to see that number.
Maternity clothes? All in to my stretchy life. I love it now, I’ll hate it in 5 months.

Sleep: Except for the night your brother had a stomach virus, sleep is pretty great.
Best moment this week: Seeing your sweet little self on the ultrasound…especially through Graham’s eyes!

Miss Anything? Pants with shape…all of my pants are too short and too baggy!

Movement: Flutters, kickboxing, rolling

Food cravings: Sweet tooth this week. I love ice cream!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing

Gender: Surprise! I considered finding out but we didn't. Or did we? You'll never know!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: I have a cough that just won’t go away!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! So Happy! I’m starting to think about planning your nursery and getting excited about everything.
Looking forward to: Getting started on your nursery. I can’t wait to make a space just for you!

Graham Moment this week: I told G we were going to see the baby at the dr’s office…he looked at me, concerned, and said…Mommy, you left your baby at the doctor?!?

PS - I should start taking some bump pics. I am a few weeks behind. 

Surprise!

Hi! Just wanted to let you know that I am still alive...and pregnant! So, I'm going to journal about this pregnancy. I'll try to update more frequently, but I promise you don't want this over stressed, super tired mama writing any more tonight. 

11/21/14

How far along?  15 Weeks

Total weight gain: The scale is not my friend…already showing and everyone is already letting me know about it. When did that become socially acceptable?!?
Maternity clothes? Yes, gave up on trying to wear regular clothes already. About 4 weeks ahead of last pregnancy. Yikes!

Stretch marks? Existing battle wounds from Round 1.
Sleep: I could sleep for days if older brother would sleep all night. Having a two yr old who is afraid of EVERYTHING is making this pregnant mama tired!
Best moment this week: Everytime Graham talks about “his” baby. My heart fills with joy.

Miss Anything? Sleep filled, stress free days. And a beer (or 5) on stressful days!

Movement: No

Food cravings: Pickles & Olives. I’ve always loved the 2 but could eat them every day.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Smells and textures

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: I’ve felt pretty great this week!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Movement – It is the single most thing I have missed about being pregnant. 

Bursting my Bubble

I woke up early this morning with butterflies in my stomach. Even at 27, I still get first day of school jitters. I was pumped! I had previously chosen my outfit, spent hours days weeks of summer "vacation" preparing my classroom, and was thoroughly excited about implementing my new curriculum. The morning was a blur as I was busy catching up with previous students and getting to know new ones. By 3:00, I thought...this day MUST be too good to be true?!? It was smooth sailing and I was feeling great about the coming year. The kids were excited, I was excited...the year is going to be awesome!

And then...I got on Facebook. (why?)... after scrolling mindlessly through many posts about back to school, I came across one that just burnt right through me. Before I comment on it, I should say that this is not a personal attack on the poster. This is not even directed toward the poster OR the commenters...it's about the high schoolers who are feeling this way, already complaining about school. I've been on the outside so I get what it must look like, but now I am on the inside so I'd like to provide a peak for those that are not. 

"...high school must stink nowadays bc I haven't read one positive thing from any of the high schoolers..." 

Just like any quote, there were words before and after, but this part is what got me. The poster asked for others to share their opinions...Many people commented about how teachers pile homework on the first day and high school should be all about social networking. Wait, did I read that correctly?  Is that really what these kids think? 

First of all, teachers don't get to choose what we cover in our subject area. We are given standards by the Department of Education that we are required to cover. When we take a closer look at them, it seems that there is about 220 days worth of information to cover in 180 without considering pep rally's, school day meetings, testing, and all of the student's appointments/sick days that MUST be scheduled during the school day. Not only is what we teach mandated, how well your student performs determines our pay check. Literally. If your child is completely uninterested in Agriculture and I put on a smoke show every single day to try to engage them, but they still don't care enough to do their assignments and give a shit on their assessments, I don't get a raise...ever. It doesn't matter how long I have been teaching or how many chances I give them to do and re-do work, if they don't care - I get punished. Period.

While it may seem that teachers continually PILE on homework, I find it hard to believe that ANY teacher would intentionally give pointless and ridiculous assignments just because. Your student does ONE assignment for that teacher - they grade ALL of them. If I give daily assignments to each of my students, I have 150 assignments to grade every single day. Ain't nobody got time for that! However, it is a requirement of teachers to post grades at regular intervals. And get this, the same parents/students that complain about the excessive amount of homework that is assigned, complain when there is no homework assigned and there are minimal grades in the gradebook. We just can't win!

But here is what it really boils down to. The kids I saw in the hallway today were excited to be back in school and eager to meet the new year. They were laughing, chatting, and enjoying the new"ness" of the year, but as soon as I asked them if they were happy to be back, they instantly grumbled. Just like my teenage self did...who likes school any way? It would be so not cool to admit that they had a great first day...especially on facebook.

You know what would be super cool though? If the parents, adults, older siblings, and community members didn't fuel their dislike for school and instead, told them how important it was/is to get an education. That their teachers do their very best every day to help prepare them for college, careers, and life. Often taking time away from their own families to help each student succeed. This stuff really does matter and you have used it in a real world situation. Instead of complaining to the teacher when their students are "bogged down" with homework, help the students understand that it is a privilege to attend school freely and without persecution. Because, there are many places in the world that is absolutely NOT the situation. 

Mom Time

I've posted previously about struggling with how to be a wife, mom, teacher, advisor, friend, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and person all at the same time. In order to remain sane, it is necessary to spend some time just being Me. I have some go to activities that I like to do when I get a chance to just be me. I like to enjoy breakfast or lunch on my new patio in the quiet. I love to grab a Shaken Iced Black Tea from Starbucks and stroll through Target. I really enjoy getting my nails and toes done a couple times a month. I used to like to run (when I was in shape). I love to read. 

None of these things, in my opinion, are crazy unusual or high maintenance. Every thing on the list was done on the regular before I joined the mom ranks. Now, when I get the opportunity to do these things I INSTANTLY feel guilt, regret, and shame wash over me. How can I, a really busy lady, justify taking a couple hours at a nail salon when I could be coloring on the floor with one of my favorite people in the world? Do I even deserve this? What kind of mom am I to ditch my kid for an afternoon of shopping? I usually set a time limit in my head for a reasonable amount of "me time." If I go over that by 1 minute, I regret the entire experience. 

The internal struggle I feel is immense. I deserve this...but do I? There are women all over the place who are desperate to become a mom, but struggle with infertility or miscarriage. Moms who are desperate for one more minute with a little one that was taken too soon. So, friends and followers...how do you justify "me time" without feeling guilty?