Judgement

I'm human, I understand this...but it doesn't mean I don't have a battle with myself over judgement. I find myself judging myself and others way too often. Now that I am home from school and spending all day, every day with my handsome little man these judgements come more often than I would like. 

As I attempt to go to the restroom, while my son pulls himself practically up onto my lap - I wish for 1 minute to myself. I just want to pee alone...And then, I judge myself. Why am I so selfish? There are mothers who wish for 1 more minute with the children they have lost, women who await motherhood that wish for 1 minute with a baby...and I am wishing for 1 minute without mine.

When I log on to facebook and see pictures of people going out, doing things, taking couples/friends vacations, I judge them. I wonder when they'll grow up, why they feel the need to continue to act like 21 yr olds, how can they be away from their kids for that long?!? And then - I realize I'm a bit jealous of them. I can count on 1 hand the number of times my husband and I have been "out", away from our son since the day he was born. I'm envious of their ability to still be an individual and a couple. I wish for the time to do those things, but realize I'm the only one that can make that time. When we do make the time to go out, I give myself a guilt trip the ENTIRE time. I check on him, check the time, talk about him, and countdown the hours, minutes until I can get back to him. 

I don't just judge parents...I judge everyone. I see a person walking down the street and wonder why they don't have a car. I look at the person wearing shorts on a cold day and wonder why they didn't think to put pants on that morning. I drive past a hitch hiker and automatically assume that bad choices led them to be alone, on the side of the road. 

What if the person walking down the street decided to take in the beauty of the outdoors for a day? What if they don't have a car, but are still making the effort to go to work? What if the kid with shorts on in the winter doesn't have pants? Or a TV to check the weather that morning? What if a hitch hiker wants to spread God's word and just needs a passerby to pick him/her up and listen?

Why am I so judgmental?  I desperately wish to have an open mind and open heart, but am stopped by my human thoughts all the time. I know that other people judge me when I am the mom with the screaming, messy kid in a restaurant...or the mom with the kid who can't be still and quiet through a church service. But I like to believe he brings joy to someone's open heart. 

I'm human and I'll never fully stop judging people/things/situations, but I hope  my  "good" side always wins the internal battle and I can see the good in every situation.