2022 - A year in review

 

As the year comes to a close, I’m feeling led to reflect on it as a whole. I just posted on social media that I believe 2022 to have been the most difficult thus far and that scares the shit out of me! The boys and I like to break it down by month, discussing the highs and lows as reflected in my camera reel. 

January - In order to discuss January, we have to start in December. Christmas was postponed due to severe illness in multiple family members that prevented us from gathering safely. Tucker and I missed Christmas festivities due to influenza which carried over into January. We were finally able to celebrate Christmas Jan. 17. December also brought a terminal diagnosis for Uncle Vance which set the tone for January and February. Some of the highlights from the month: Daisy was confirmed pregnant with a litter due in February, time was dedicated to visiting Uncle Vance, and Graham started travel basketball! 

February - The month of love and we fell hard for a litter of puppies! It was so neat to experience it through the eyes of our boys and they took such good care of Daisy as she became a mama, even if she did deliver the first two pups on the couch…! As we were overwhelmed with their birth, we were also experiencing death. I skipped one of Graham’s last basketball games to sit with Uncle Vance, but made myself leave to go to his last. They won the game, their only win of the season. Uncle Vance won his eternal reward only hours later. One of the most difficult parts of that journey was witnessing my Dad tell his mom that her son had died and then attempting to celebrate her birthday 2 days later. There’s nothing quite like planning a funeral in the morning and driving straight to the nursing home for cake right after. Beauty amidst the broken. 

March gave us a lot of time to love on our puppies! We stayed home for two weeks of spring break and really fell in love with each one. We also kicked off our cow show season, took a trip to the zoo, celebrated the expected arrival of our niece with a baby shower, went to a Pacers game, and spent the weekend with friends showing cattle. We were blessed to celebrate another birthday with Casey,  the rock of our family. 

April - things started to get really busy in April with cattle shows and the demands of work. Easter has always been a special holiday in our family. My parents live on my paternal great grandparent’s farm so that side of the family has been gathering there for Easter for many generations. This year, my Grandma, the last of her generation, was able to celebrate Easter with us. It was a beautiful day. The kids played outside and hunted eggs in the yard. April also brought us a new niece. She was born early and needed extra support so we are incredibly thankful for modern medicine be able to support her. 

May - this month is such a whirlwind! Casey is working insane hours and the end of the school year is so demanding. We got to meet sweet Sutton and the boys fell in love with her more than I thought possible. They have cousins, but they were all born at the same time and experienced life in the same stages. They are old enough now to be able to soak in the sweetness of a new baby and she is so special to them. Tucker started a new adventure this year: hip hop dance. His first recital was in May and their performance was a crowd favorite. They danced to greased lightning and he really came alive on the stage. It was fun to watch him shine in something new. Graham was recognized at basketball camp for his hard work and determination. Tucker celebrated his 7th birthday with friends and family, graduating Kindergarten soon after. Graham really enjoyed third grade and his love for learning came alive with Ms. Trotter. 

June - I don't even know if I can summarize this month. It feels like a whole lifetime happened in 30 days. Casey and I were both working incredible hours. While it was technically summer break, I still had to prep and attend state convention while working show heifers in the barn and being a mom. We started, what I hope to be our first summer of many regional and national Simmental shows. It was technically our second nationals, but first regional. Conveniently, regionals was in Indiana. It was very special to be able to take the boys and spend time with my parents. I grew up traveling to a regional and national each summer so it was full circle. Within 24 hours of returning home from the show, it was state convention time. Lots of fun and success was celebrated. While I was away, Graham mentioned that his knee was bothering him, but I didn't think too much of it. My Grandma Hege also began to decline. She broke her femur and was in immense pain, but undergoing surgery to repair it wasn't an option at the time. We knew the end was nearing so I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. Graham became unable to bear weight on his leg by Saturday morning so we headed to the doctor only to be immediately referred to Riley Children's Hospital for treatment of an infection. I had planned to sit with Grandma to give my parents a break, but instead packed a couple of bags and headed to the hospital. We had many difficult conversations with doctors as they tried to diagnose him. Ultimately, his bone was healthy and we were able to treat the infection with IV and oral antibiotics. My annual officer (leadership) retreat was scheduled for the next day and I left even though things were continuing to fall apart at home. While there, Grandma finally won her eternal reward to Heaven. Facilitating a leadership retreat for teenagers while falling apart inside was something that only could have been done with the strength of Jesus. I wrote her obituary late one night and returned home to sort pictures and finalize details of her service. We were set to leave for Madison, WI the day before her funeral for the national show. We delayed our trip, leaving after the funeral to drive all night as we had to be there by 7 am the next day for check-in. What a whirlwind! Some highlights - we played in the pond, played baseball, and just survived. Graham had success at both shows, placing 3rd overall with his heifer at regionals and 17th overall in public speaking at nationals. That would have made Grandma so proud! While we were away, we had a dry wall crew in our house patching and repairing walls from an exterior project so we came home to a mess!

July - July felt like a breath of summer. We attended a family wedding, spent a lot of time in the barn, and celebrated Graham's 10th birthday. Honestly, it was like a fog recovering from all that was June. We stayed close to home and tried our best to enjoy summer. Graham attended his very first church camp with his Grandpa and cousin, a special and new experience for both. He was away from home for 5 days and 4 nights while his brother and I kept up the barn work. Our friends had their first baby followed by some really scary days. It was such a blessing to not be in school and be able to help them while soaking in some baby snuggles. 

August - This month brought our first state fair in 4-H. Graham made the finals in showmanship and won his class with his heifer. It was so good to be with friends even if Graham had another knee infection. This time, we were proactive and started antibiotics as soon as we noticed it which kept us out of the hospital, thankfully! We remodeled our laundry room We started a new school year with Graham in 4th grade and Tucker in 1st. We did the tortilla challenge, haha!, spent lots of time outside, and kept up with the demands of adjusting to our new school schedule. Both boys started basketball and really enjoyed it. 

September - Lots of exciting adventures happened in September. Graham competed in his first livestock skill-a-thon contest and made it to state with his team. Tucker was in a special wedding which was so much fun. We finally got a 4-wheeler, making the boys' dreams come true! Casey and I got to spend a few days in Cabo on a work trip. The last time the two of us went to the beach was our honeymoon in 2010. This was a great trip to rest and recharge for both of us and we were so thankful for that opportunity. We left the parents in charge of two intact dogs, one of them in heat, basketball practice, and school for the boys. We definitely couldn't have done it without them. 

October - Cow shows, zoo trips, fall break, sourdough, national convention, and halloween. Both boys showed in Scottsburg, but the real win of the weekend was spending time with their biggest fan, Sutton. We loved the zoo with Mims, Sutton, and Aunt Courtney and got to see the kangaroos. I became a sourdough connoisseur, mastering the art of making a DANG good loaf of bread. I did not master making cookies or pancakes with the same sourdough, but I tried. National FFA Convention was a time of recharge and rejuvenation, professionally. This year, only one of the boys was excited about Halloween. It was a reminder that we are growing up. Ugh! Graham also started playing on a travel basketball team and really improving his skills as a player. He definitely loves the game. 

November - Thankful was the theme, obviously. Thankful to take a personal day when I needed it, spend another birthday with Grandma Joyce, make it to another cattle show with success, see Tucker's toothless grin each day, and spend time with friends. We went to the IU/PU football game with friends and the boys really enjoyed it even if it was in Bloomington. Thankful for friendships that have stood the test of time and still continue effortlessly. 

December - It felt like we would never get here while also feeling like an entire year passed in a blink. We kicked off the month with the Hoosier Beef Congress, a love/hate relationship for sure. It is so good to be with friends, but the weekend is STRESSFUL! Graham handled it all with maturity and grit. I am constantly amazed at his work ethic and his wisdom. Some days, he is raising me instead of the other way around. This year, we were able to celebrate Christmas at the right time, even if we were missing two important members of the family. Tucker performed at his first Holiday showcase and received hoops and hollers from the crowd, which is his measure for success. His coffee grinder got faster and more coordinated and he has so much fun performing. He also held the crown for the homecoming festivities. Graham (and Tucker) performed Morning Star, the traditional Moravian Hymn at both candlelight services Christmas Eve. A winter storm forced some rest and togetherness at Christmas. Graham joined another travel basketball team for the winter league and they both said they "hit the jackpot" this Christmas. 

Each year, I find myself retreating more and more, desperate for peace in the mundane. I want deeper and more meaningful relationships. I'm content with the predictable while still enjoying a new adventure every now and then. We are hopeful for a 2023 where we can be a family team, confident in ourselves in individuals while being each other's #1 fans. 

"And I ain't sayin' it ain't been a good one
It's been a "did a lot more than I thought I could" one
It's been 365 of record lows and record highs
Loving and losing, fun and confusing, praying and shifting gears
For the minute you got, it's probably a lot, more than you wanna hear
So all I'll say is, it's been a year"

Ashley Cooke - It's been a year

A Whole Hand!

I don’t know how it is possible. I remember pulling him towards me as he entered the world, taking his first breaths, and barely letting out a cry. I remember bringing him home from the hospital, anxious that I would completely mess up being a mama of two. I vividly remember those first steps as he teetered across the grass, and that grin when he realized what he had done. I cannot fathom how it could have been 5 whole years ago that we brought him home.

In the last five years I have learned that I don’t actually know anything about being a mama of two boys. I have learned that I can never trust that their pockets are empty before they go in the wash. That there is not enough oxi-clean on this side of the Mississippi to remove the stains from their clothing. I have learned that Alexa will fart for you if you ask her to. That it feels like forever to buckle them in to their car seats until they can buckle themselves. I have learned that my house is NEVER clean because they destroy the room as soon as I leave it.

I have also learned to say yes more often to playing, to soak in the moments that I get to spend with him, and to listen to alllllll that he has to say because it is a lot and he is hilarious. I want to hold him in this phase forever, but I can’t wait to see what he becomes.

I pray that he will always remember that I am the best snuggler and I rarely turn down the opportunity to hold him as I know those moments are fleeting. That he won’t ever stop asking me for 7 more kisses when I tuck him in at night (ok, maybe some day...but give me at least 5 more birthdays). That he will always take the time to observe things even though it drives me absolutely insane how slow he is. I pray that he will remember his childhood as a time of joy, love, and ultimate fun. I pray that he will always know that we love him fiercely and we will support him and guide him as each day passes.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy! Now hurry up and get your shoes on, we’re already late to your party.

That Moment

It usually happens about this time of night. After I have FINALLY gotten my oldest to bed. You know, he has to shower, no he needs to pee first, then brush his teeth, then stand naked in the bathroom for "2 minutes" to make sure the water is just right. After I have read a book, making sure not to skip ANY WORDS because he only chooses books that he has memorized. After I have allowed him to have a drink of fresh water and give his "baby tucker" 3 kisses. After we have sang Jesus loves me and said our prayers. After I let him turn the light off and kiss "baby Tucker" 3 more times. After he remembers that he forgot to tell the porch kitties goodnight. 

After I have swaddled my youngest. After he is done eating and completely cashed out. It is then that I stare at him, completely memorized by how perfect my day has been. Even when it isn't. Because with the background noise of the sound machine, his sweet deep, even breaths that I can feel because he is still so close to me, and my inability to put him in his crib, I forget why I was so stressed 30 minutes ago when G asked the 30th question in 3 minutes. I forget all of the things that went wrong during the day. And I refuse to put him down because as soon as I do, this moment is over. There are dishes to do, laundry to fold, steps to take, and things to prepare for tomorrow. Right here, right now, none of that matters. So, if you can't find me, I'll be holding on to this moment right here in this rocking chair. It's simply too good to let go of. 

Graham is THREE!

Typing that title makes my stomach flip flop a little bit. How is it possible that he could be three?!? I swear it was just last week that we were navigating the first few days of parenthood with him. While it feels like he was just born, I can't imagine our life without him. Now, we are navigating being parents of two and it is such a fun (and trying) journey.

I vowed to not stress out over his birthday party this year like I did last year. Honestly, I just didn't have time to make it miserable. I quickly jumped on Pinterest to get some ideas in my head and then never looked at that blessed site again. I didn't go over board, didn't stress out, and had a good time planning his 3rd birthday. I left out little details that no one really cares about. I didn't make a fancy menu, didn't label every food and drink item, and didn't wrap the silverware. Those things take up so much time and are so unnecessary. I'm posting these pictures for memories, not to brag, or make you feel like you should plan something similar. I had so much fun this year and did everything within reason and on a budget.

Cupcake Cake by Heartsville Sweets. She's awesome, like usual.

 My dad printed all of the poster size pictures at his work. Graham thought they were so cool!

 I had 100% of the decorations because my kid is obsessed with tractors. It was easy.

 Ice Cream Sundae Bar...yum! (and very easy!)

 One of his favorite gifts. 

 Now he can weedeat just like his daddy. 

 This is about as good as family pictures get these days.

 What's a party without a pinata?

It's my birthday, I can cry if I want to!

We have a huge family and really love having everyone over for special occasions. I grew up celebrating every birthday with a family dinner and intend to do the same for my kiddos. I'm so glad everyone was able to come and have an awesome time with us. We love you all!

How will I love him?

When my husband and I decided that it was time to expand our family again, I was so excited. I have always wanted a big family and it felt like the right time. Everything seems sunshine and rainbows because we didn't know any differently. . I knew it would be hard, but I was just so excited at the possibility of giving G a sibling. And, quite honestly...making babies is fun! Sorry, mom! But, hang on, let's rewind for just a second to set the stage for this. 

5 years ago, as I prepared to marry my best friend, I had no fears. Sure I knew it was going to be hard, but we were so very in love that I had nothing to really be afraid of. I knew I loved him and there was no turning back. 4 years ago, when we decided to have a child, I was confident that my heart could hold enough love for my husband AND our son. I knew that I would love them fiercely, but differently and I was sure that I could handle both of those things. (looking back and forward, I should probably revisit this!). But, when I realized that I would need to make room in my heart for another child, I suddenly became scared. How would I love him like I loved our firstborn? Would there be enough time to adequately love them both? Would I be able to equally parent them both? Will either of them feel like I love the other more? What will G think when he realizes that he has to share his mom and dad?

These have all been fears that have been present in the back of my mind, but I have been too afraid to speak them. I mean, I kind of sound like a terrible person just mentioning them here. I looked for articles and blogs about how to prepare #1 for the arrival of #2 and how to prepare for #2 in general, but nothing really helped me to understand my feelings. I was truly terrified (still am!) and really didn't feel like I could discuss it with anyone. 

Now that #2 is here and we are a week in to this journey, I wanted to address some of those fears in the event that there was ever another person who felt like me. The heart is a pretty amazing organ with plenty of room to expand and love more fiercely than I ever imagined. I was prepared not to feel an overwhelming sense of love as soon as T was born. I knew from the first round that it would take me a few minutes/hours to grasp the gigantic change happening in my life. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it happened so effortlessly. Suddenly, there was this tiny little human and he was MINE!

How would I love him like I love our firstborn? Well, I don't. I love them both equally, but I love them differently. The same way that I love my husband differently than I love my children. I knew this was possible, but I was afraid that I would feel protective over my firstborn's feelings and would end up neglecting the time I would need to bond with #2. This has not proven to be the case so far. I know I have a lifetime to mess this up, but so far so good. 

Will there be enough time to love them both? Honestly, no, there isn't ever enough time. I have found that I have to force myself to create special time for both of them. I have to pass #2 off to Daddy whenever I can to create time for #1. I understand that this is like asking a kindergartener for graduation advice because I've only been a mama of two boys for a very short time, but it is amazing to me that all of my previously felt anxieties have essentially been washed away. 

It hasn't been a seamless transition. I have already messed up. I will continue to mess up. However, I can't imagine my life any differently. It was amazing to me that although Casey and I had been together for 2 years before we got married, I woke up the morning after our wedding and everything felt different. We were married. When Graham was born, I was amazed that my life changed instantly. There was nothing more important than caring for him and being his mama. This time is no different and there is enough love to go around. I can't imagine not having Tucker in our lives. I am just so grateful that God sent me these 3 boys. First, my husband to share a life with and now these two amazing little miracles to shape and grow. I hope I don't disappoint any of them. 

Introducing Mr. Tucker Lane

At my 40 week check up on Friday, May 15^th (due date), we scheduled an induction date for Friday, May 22^nd (our 5^th wedding anniversary). I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to be induced again and would never know the feeling of racing to the hospital while breathing through contractions and screaming obscenities at my husband. I have super strange goals in life, I know. Anyway, I had a packed weekend planned to get everything done I needed to get done prior to your arrival. Saturday I ran errands all day and attended a wedding. On the way home from the wedding, we stopped to get ice cream and then headed home just like any normal night. Big brother Graham had a very difficult time going to bed when we got home and ended up sleeping in our bed. 

At 3:00 am, I woke up thinking Graham had kicked me in the back again. As I woke up and got my bearings I realized that Graham was all the way on the other side of the bed and that was a monster contraction instead. I laid in bed until about 4:00 when I decided I should get up and get the laundry done since I would probably be having a baby that day. (again, my brain doesn’t work like a normal person). I finished 3 loads of laundry while timing contractions. They were coming every 7 minutes and lasting anywhere from 1-2 minutes. Around 7:30 am, I heard little Graham feet upstairs and decided I would go up and take a shower. At this point, my contractions were coming every 4 minutes, but only lasting 45 sec-1 min. I gently asked Casey to get up and get Graham dressed while I took a shower, but I guess I failed to mention that I was in labor. He probably wondered why it sounded like I was “singing” in the shower. Ha. After we got everyone on the same page, it was kind of a fast track. We finished packing our bags, Graham got super excited to go to Grammy’s house with his suitcase and we loaded up in the car. We dropped graham off at my parents house on the way to the hospital, which caused a slight emotional breakdown on my part. It was the first time I realized that it would no longer be the 3 of us. The contractions were every 4 minutes steadily and lasting longer each time. We called the hospital to let them know we were on our way and tried to have a normal conversation with a few expletives shouted here and there. All my dreams were coming true! Casey dropped me off at the door and we decided to take our bags inside because there was no turning point. When I decided to take the stairs, Daddy looked at me like I was absolutely insane, but it was faster! 

I was already dilated to 4 and completely thinned when we arrived. I decided to wait a little while for the epidural and tried to breathe through the contractions as best I could while being tethered to an IV pole and fetal monitors. When they asked about the epidural again, I told them to bring it on. It is a good thing I did, because if I would have waited any longer, I would have been going all natural and probably taught the nurses and doctors a whole new colorful vocabulary. Around noon, the Dr, Casey, and I made a bet about when you would arrive. Dr: 1:30 pm, Mommy: 2:30 pm, Daddy: 5:30 pm. (Mommy always knows best, buddy!) 

I felt a lot of pressure and an intense wave of nausea so I told Casey to call the nurse and she said it was time to push. 20 minutes later at 2:55 pm, Tucker Lane Dickerson was born with a full head of dark hair, full cheeks, and just barely a cry. I couldn't believe Big Brother was right and he was going to get a “Tucker”. It is always amazing to experience the intense feeling of pregnancy immediately followed by the presence of a tiny, wet human on your chest. You nursed like a champ, latching right away, and just gazed up at Mommy stealing my heart as each second passed. After you had nursed and everyone checked out ok, it was time to introduce you to Big Brother. I will never forget this moment. He has been so incredibly smitten with you from the minute he walked in to that hospital room. We spent some quiet time as a family of four, but knew we had a waiting room full of wondering minds. 

Daddy carried big brother out to the waiting room and he yelled to everyone that he had a BROTHER! Grandparents came back and everyone began asking how big you were, but we hadn't weighed you. It was apparent that you were a pretty big boy, 9 lbs 6 oz, 20 ½” long with a 37 cm head circumference. You look absolutely nothing like your brother, have a full head of incredibly long black hair, and chunky little cheeks. You are covered in dark hair and will probably need to start shaving your face by the time you start kindergarten. You have been an absolute trooper when it comes to dealing with Big Brother’s constant affection, nurse every 3 hours on average, and are keeping the diaper business afloat single handedly. You are perfect, Tucker Lane, and I couldn't love you anymore.

Photo Credit: Raisor Sharp Images

What to Pack in your Hospital Bag

When I was preparing myself for Gman's arrival, I found a lot of other blogs to be helpful with things like what to take to the hospital. I appreciated the mama's point of view about what is really necessary and what can be left behind. I compiled a list myself that I have shared with friends through text and email and I thought I would post it here as well. 

Camera with Batteries and Charger - you will want photos on something more than your phone.
Slippers/Socks/Flip-Flops - Depending on the time of year, you can choose what you would be most comfortable in. Hospitals are clean, but everyone's shoes walking in and out of your room are not. 
Nursing Bras (2) - I prefer the sports bra type in the beginning. Way more comfortable than the others.
Nursing Tanks (2) - When you are full, it is necessary to double up!
Nursing Pads (4 Pairs) - Depending on your body and your length of stay, it is possible your milk will come in while you are at the hospital. 
Granny Panties - the hospital will give you some mesh ones, but I hated them and wanted some sort of normalcy back in my life. I usually buy some relative cheap, dark colored ones that can be thrown away. 
PJ's - Be mindful of night/day sweats and make sure you won't get too hot. I am not a nightgown type of person so I wasn't really interested in wearing a hospital gown any longer than I had to.
Bathrobe - You know those hospital gowns open in the back...you don't want to be THAT lady.
Going Home Outfit - Loose, flowy, maternity clothes. Don't even attempt pre-pregnancy clothing unless you want to cry over something else. 
Chapstick - Something about Labor makes your lips dry.
All of the obvious toiletries - Again, you don't want to be THAT lady that doesn't shower while she is in the hospital. Ew
Phone Charger - because that thing will be blowing up!
Pillow(s) - Depending on how you have been sleeping, it might be nice to have some comfort of home. I took my body pillow
Boppy - If you are planning on nursing, this is a MUST!

FOR HIM
Comfy clothes - you can turn down the ac when you are sweating to be comfortable, so he should be prepared to bundle up.
Obvious Toiletries
Phone Charger
Snacks - You'll be happy you have them, but don't think about eating them in front of your wife while she is in labor. 

DIAPER BAG
Going Home Outfits (2) - if you are like me, you will need a boy and girl outfit.
Socks
Pacifiers - some hospitals won't give you one due to nipple confusion. I liked having one for comfort and because we had an extended stay
Blanket
Plenty of space to stick all of the diapers, wipes, lanolin, pads, and goodies you have already paid for.

RANDOM TIPS
Make sure your car seat is installed properly (duh!)
Pack your breast pump if you are nursing
Abide by the hospital's visiting hours. You need your rest!

Excuse Me.

Nearly everyone warned me that threes were going to be worse than twos. I believed them. I also underestimated how much worse it could possibly get. Threes are going to be tough. The good news is that by the time he classifies as a "terrible three year old", I'll be able to drink again. I say that in the most non alcoholic mother of ways. But sometimes, I think...if I could just drink a beer while he is screaming, kicking, hitting, spitting, and throwing things at me I will be able to resist doing all of those things right along with him. 

So, please excuse me when you see us out in public and he is having a moment. Excuse my rudeness when I walk right by you without saying more than "hi" because I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THERE. I really don't mean to be rude. I would LOVE to have a polite conversation with you, but did you notice the little monster that is currently clawing my face off on our way out the store? Yea, apparently now is not a good time. And I can't help but notice that your kids are acting perfect, so please let me just go cry this one out in the privacy of my car. I promise to return the favor because I know that just because everything looks ok in your world right now, doesn't mean that it is always that way. I will understand the next time our roles are reversed and you pass by, barely keeping it together on the way to cry it out in the privacy of your car. 

I know I am going to miss this. I know I am going to want this back and wish it all hadn't gone by so fast, but can you please remind me of those things when he is sweetly snuggled up to me in the evenings? Or when he wants to hold my hand and kiss my baby bump. Because, I swear, if you tell me (his very pregnant mother) in the middle of one of his tantrums that I am going to miss this, I might punch you in the throat. I'd like to think that I am better than that, but there is only so much this very pregnant mama can take at once. 

Oh, and I know it isn't going to get any easier when the next one gets here so you can feel free to suck that comment right back down your windpipe and keep it to yourself. Now I think I will attempt to find my sanity (and maybe pack my hospital bag) while my "sweet little baby" is taking a nap. Cheers!

For my Sweet Son

As I put you to bed tonight and we said our prayers, I had an overwhelming outpouring of love. It's been a really ordinary day and it was a really ordinary night, but I just can't get over how amazing you are right now. I want to bottle it up and drink it in when you are 16. Instead, I'm going to write it all down so I have proof - and something to cry over while I'm drinking wine and waiting for you to come home on a Friday night. 

Right now, you have the BIGGEST heart and the most amazing sense of humor. Your imagination is just beginning to develop and you LOVE to tell me stories. You aren't much of a morning person, but you are incredibly consistent. When you get woken up (Daddy does this), you run in to our room with your blanket, sleepy eyes, and crazy hair! It only takes you about 2 minutes awake to insist that you need to put on your jeans, shoes (mostly boots), and your Colts baseball cap. When we get in the car, you like to pick our radio station depending on what is playing. Prior to taking you to Kim's, you always say...mommy, is that where you teach the children? Last week I was in a rush when I dropped you off and I forgot to give you a hug. I was only at school for about 5 minutes when I received a video from Ms. Kim (the best child care provider in the world!) of you telling me you loved me and to have a good day.

Because I spend so much time at school, you get to go with me a lot. You know the FFA kids by name and have conned them in to paying you for a high five. You tell them when to "knock it off" and even call them hillbillies every now and then. 

You love your Daddy so much right now and want to be JUST like him. You refuse to wear underwear and insist on boxers. I could throw all of your sweat pants away because you won't even consider wearing them. When Daddy wears a belt, you wear a belt. You even asked for a wallet to "put on my back side" just like Dad. The wallet has been a pretty big hit because it is the cutest thing in the world. While you love your Daddy, you love your Mommy just as much. Mommy has to give you a bath. Only Mommy is allowed to read books and do our bed time routine. Right now we lay down, sing Jesus Loves Me, and then say our prayers. They sound something like this. 

Dear Jesus, Thank you for today. Thank you for going to Ms. Kims/Grammys and playing toys with my friends/Brody. Mommy, did you comb my hair? Thank you for the new baby calves. Watch over all my family. Mommy, Where's my family? Please help me sleep good tonight. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

After prayers, you need to give us a Hug, a Kiss (mommy gets a nose kiss too), and a high five. I have absolutely no idea where you came up with that combination, but I hope it lasts forever. 

As we get ready for you to become a big brother, we talk to you about how things will be different with the baby (which you have kindly named Brother Princess to cover all of the bases) . You're prepared to share your crib with the baby especially since you got a new big bed and the changing table since you don't wear diapers anymore. You've recently decided that it will be ok for your baby to share your bathroom, but only to take baths. The baby can't have any of your tractors or your toothbrush. Today, instead of just giving me a hug when I picked you up, you kissed my belly first. I hope you always love your little brother or sister that much. 

For as much love as you have, you are also hilarious. You ask kids your age, Hey What's your problem (totally out of context). You really love to let everyone, even the dogs know when something is yours. Muffins are your favorite breakfast food and lemonade is your preferred beverage. Monsters University is your absolute favorite movie and you really like it to be playing any time we are home. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood is another favorite that you can watch on our phones. We can't possibly have enough tractors, trucks, cows, or hay bales in our house. You have to check all of your "animals" when we get home. You are super dramatic and love to tell on Daddy. Any time you get in trouble with Daddy you run to Mommy  and usually say, Daddy's being mean to me! You're becoming quite the negotiator and ask to play for 3 minutes before it's bath time. Tonight you told me that you were staying at Grammy's house FOREVER.  You are a very active, fun, energetic, smart, hilarious, loving kid. 

I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. 

Legend of a Legacy

The Legacy, Elsie Hege

Working the dough, like she's been doing it forever.

I may have previously coined that title for a Christmas present, but it couldn't be more fitting as a blog title. You might have seen an Instagram/Facebook photo last week promising a blog update "very soon"....well, "very soon" is finally here. Last week, we had a snow make-up day that we actually got to take advantage of. I have been asking my Grandma Hege to teach me how to make her famous (i'm not exaggerating here) egg noodles for a couple of years. We always talked about doing it in the summer and just never got around to it. I am so grateful that we finally made it happen! In order to truly convey how wonderful this was, let me give you a little bit of history

Mom getting schooled on the art of noodle rolling!

My Grandma Hege has always been invincible. She has worked harder than most people her age for her entire life. She married at 18, had 3 babies, sent a son off to war, lost her husband at 40, ran the town license branch, then worked at the county court house in voter registration until she "retired" a few years ago. She will celebrate her 85th birthday next month and just recently had a few health set backs. This fall, she passed out at Walgreens. Somehow, she convinced the staff to let her call her (older!) sister to come pick her up instead of the ambulance. After heading to a heart doctor, she was instructed to wear a heart monitor for 30 days to track her heart activity and told to push the button when she felt symptoms of passing out. During this time, she was not allowed to drive or stay alone so she stayed with her 92 year old sister. She never pushed the button so her doctor didn't find anything "wrong". She is still not allowed to drive and not supposed to stay alone. You try telling a woman who has been living alone for 45 years that she can't stay at her house. We compromised by making her promise she would wear a life alert necklace, but she still can't drive. This has really taken the life out of the Grandma that I have always known to be invincible. She doesn't think she can do anything anymore without the fear of having another "episode". 

When we made noodles last Monday, I saw her come alive. She would say "I'm not sure if I remember how to do this" and then her body would take over and it became mindless. She KNEW what she was doing and I caught a glimpse of my invincible Grandma. We had planned to get started making noodles after Graham went down for a nap, but he really didn't want to miss out on the action. It was beautiful to watch her interact with him and include him in the process. He even surprised us by showing that he could indeed crack an egg, straight on to the table. 

Giving him his own dough to work

I can't quite put in to words what it meant to me to get the chance to make noodles with my Grandma and my mom. She told me she used to wake up at 3:30 am to get a batch of noodles started before she went to work so they would be dried and ready to bag that night. She sold them for $3/bag and always gave more than she sold. I can remember her house being covered in flour while the noodles dried for most of my visits. She's always been such a hard worker. 

Finished Product!

When I called her to tell her that we had gotten 5 bags of noodles out of what we made that day, she was so pleased. I told her I had thought about whipping up a batch this week so I could increase my stash and start to give some to family, but I didn't have enough time. She said, "I think it would work good if I mixed the noodles and you rolled them." Two months ago, she would have told me that she just couldn't do it any more. Now, she wants to help and knows she can. I saw her come alive and I can't wait to do it again. 

Its More Than a Job

I knew I wanted to be a teacher in middle school. At that time I had a really awesome English teacher, Mrs. Lumbley, who made middle school bearable and English fun. I loved her class and wanted to be "just like her" when I became a teacher some day. High School english came along and...woah, people actually enjoyed literature, poems, adverbs, hyperboles, and all kinds of other things I still don't understand?!? I couldn't teach English...it was painful! However, I had a really awesome high school Ag teacher. Her profession combined all of my loves, my passions. She understood and supported my passion for the show cattle industry. No other teacher had ever encouraged me to miss school when given the opportunity to exhibit at national shows, but Ms. Nolting just wanted to hear all about it when I returned. As a high school junior, I lost one of my friends to cancer. It sucked...big time. Ms. Nolting grieved with us, supported us, and became the rock we needed as a whole group. She was more than just our Ag teacher, she was our advisor, mentor, and leader. She still is. 

I started my freshman year at Purdue with no doubt in my mind about teaching, but that didn't last forever. After student teaching I just wasn't sure that "teaching was for me". I couldn't find a teaching job right away and was given the opportunity to work for a hog farm in eastern Indiana. That experience taught me so many valuable lessons. However, the most valuable lesson was that I missed the classroom. 

I've recently read multiple articles about how terrible teaching is right now. How K-12 teachers "can't leave the profession fast enough." I've spent my fair share of lunch in the teacher's lounge complaining about the long hours, the endless paperwork, the thankless job, and the minimal pay. Don't get me wrong...I complain too, but today...Today I am thankful that I was called to this profession and I want to tell you that there are still teachers who love their job. I am one of those. Today, I love my job. 

I'm not here to toot my own horn, because I am so far from perfect it is comical. I'll never be "highly effective" and quite frankly, I don't care to be. I show up to work every single day and do the best that I can do that day. My lessons are not always super engaging, my students complain that "it sucks", and I'm not currently in the running for any awards. However, I received a text message yesterday that reminded me just why I love my job. 

It read: "Hey! Sorry it's so late. I've been meaning to text you all day and just got to it. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope today was filled with joy. Thank you for being such a great role model, listener, and just all around great person. I miss not being able to have you in class but the year I did have you I will never forget. So thank you for everything and always giving the best advice. You believe in your students when we don't even believe in ourselves and sometimes that means so much. Happy New Year!(:"

This message was among many. I was reminded yesterday, on my birthday, how truly blessed I am. The irony of this message is that it came from one of my former students. I previously taught at a different high school and NEVER felt like I was making a difference. I'm not sharing it with you because I want to brag on myself. I am sharing it with you because when I doubted myself and my abilities, I was giving this student exactly what she needed. Support. Teaching is hard. It is thankless. It requires so much more of my time than my previous office job. I still make pennies compared to some. But, my heart is full and I love my job. 

I hope this stands out as a reminder that, while education has some serious issues, there are still many teachers that love their job. I am so thankful I was called to this profession. 

Where do you find joy in your life?

Jolly Holly Days

Woah...I woke up this morning feeling like I got ran over by a reindeer. We've been non stop celebrating Christmas since the start of Christmas Eve church service at 6 pm on Dec. 24. It's been so much fun celebrating with a very vocal 2 yr old who can turn squeals of excitement in to words about just how much he loves his new blue tractor, combine, shimmer cow, or shopping cart. I have loved every second of this non stop celebration. Until today. 

Today is Sunday which means its church day. Ugh, I didn't want to get up and do anything! I didn't want to shower, get dressed, OR go to church. I was tired of being jolly, tired of celebrating, tired of going, tired of doing. Bah Humbug. But today wasn't just any Sunday. Today was a special Sunday where we would be worshiping at a different church for a different occasion. Today wasn't about me or my pajamas, today was about Katie and Josh. Today was bittersweet. Today was hard. Today was important.

I don't typically talk about my family (directly) on this blog. After all, they deserve privacy, but I don't think Katie nor Josh would mind me sharing a little bit of their story. Katie is my "little" cousin. We grew up in the country as each other's only neighbors. Our moms are sisters and had 5 kids in 5 years. Katie and I were the only girls. We grew up doing pretty much everything together while still remaining individuals. We spent a lot of time together. 

Katie met Josh in high school. They've been together ever since. It hasn't always been easy, but they've always remained by each other's sides. After graduating college, they got married in 2011. Josh began pastoring at Waynesburg Christian Church, where he grew up. We were pregnant at the same time and our boys were born exactly one month apart. The last year has been an incredibly difficult one for Katie and Josh. Very quickly after finding out Katie was pregnant with their second child, she got a kidney stone. This is not abnormal for Kate because she gets kidney stones like the average person gets headaches. However, Katie wasn't able to pass this kidney stone and her pregnancy further complicated treatment. A nephrostomy tube was placed in Kate's back to drain her kidney. All was great, until it got infected. Katie got sepsis - an infection in the blood stream and landed in the ICU. I know its impossible to understand through words, but we were VERY close to losing her. Miraculously, she never lost her baby. Katie continued to battle kidney stones throughout her pregnancy, she continued to get infections, she continued to be sick. She also had a toddler and prayerfully began a new journey with Josh, church planting. A very health baby boy was born in October and we all hoped that Katie's kidney problems would end with her pregnancy. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. She has continued to be sick and struggle with infection and pain since October. Throughout all of her medical journey, they have pursued church planting and will be leaving to do a church planting residency next week. They'll move to another state for 18 months and learn how to be church planters. 

This has been an amazing journey for them. They've had to raise 18 months salary and recently had a 30K in 30 days campaign. I'm anxiously awaiting the results of that, but I am just sure they made it. You can learn more about their journey here and how you can be a part of it. I strongly encourage you to keep up with what they are doing. Great things are in store for them. 

Katie has always been an inspiration to me. She is a woman of intense faith, an amazing wife, mom, and friend. She is selfless. She doesn't complain. She is amazing. Josh is a lucky man to have her as his wife. I'm going to miss her tremendously. 

Today was about celebrating them, sending them off, and wishing them well. Today was bittersweet. Today was hard, but today was important. 

Matthew 28:19-20(ESV)

19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Weeks 19 and 20

12/19/14

How far along?  19 Weeks

Total weight gain: 0 – thanks to the stomach virus
Maternity clothes? Can still wear some regular tops, but none of my jeans button

Sleep: When my toddler allows it
Best moment this week: Movement

Miss Anything? A Life without restriction. Carrying things, going places, doing things without being treated like I’m incapable.

Movement: Flutters, Kickboxing

Food cravings: All things salty

Anything making you queasy or sick: Sweets - weird

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: None pregnancy related, stomach virus = hell

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy except for the 8 straight hours I threw up every 15 minutes. I’ll spare you the gory details, but…yuck!

Looking forward to: Everything!

Graham Moment this week: He says so many funny things. He told his Mims this week, “I have a baby in my belly and it’s a wonderful experience.” Where in the world does he come up with these things?

The look of "awe" in his eyes!

Halfway there!

12/26/14

How far along?  20 Weeks

Total weight gain: Back to 0…again, thanks to the stomach virus…I’ve developed quite the bump. See picture
Maternity clothes? I love having an excuse to wear stretchy clothes all the time!

Sleep: When my toddler allows it, I’m not sure why or how he wakes so frequently, but it would be awesome if he slept like a toddler instead of an infant!
Best moment this week: Christmas! It was the most wonderful Christmas we have had yet. We finally got the opportunity to wake up in our own home on Christmas morning. Graham was able to verbalize his excitement which makes Christmas so much more enjoyable. I can’t wait to share it with you next year!

Miss Anything? No, my life is pretty normal

Movement: Flutters, Kickboxing, Fist Pumping

Food cravings: My appetite has decreased significantly from that dreaded stomach virus. I’m eating half of what I was before.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Sweets. What a time of the year to not want or enjoy sweets. Bummer!

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: None

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Who could be anything but overjoyed at Christmas time with a 2 yr old?!?

Looking forward to: Daddy and Graham feeling you move!

Graham’s Best Moment This Week: Christmas. Have I mentioned how much he loves his blue tractor??

Transparent

I'm just as guilty as the next girl. I want my life to look perfect to the outside world. It's actually pretty desperate and sad. I post all of the good stuff, take pictures when everyone looks cute, and talk about how awesome everything is. When in reality, sometimes that is as far from the truth as possible. I know I still have it pretty great, and I'm not about to air my dirty laundry online, BUT I am real and I have real struggles. I know you have real struggles too. I'm just about as far from perfect as possible.

I spend entirely too much time at work. Sometimes it is unavoidable, but I need to practice saying no. My family deserves to have a wife and mom who makes them a priority. Most would say that's easy...just do it. However, most are not teachers, Ag teachers who have almost 100 FFA members who depend on them for more than the average school day allows. And wait, you want me to grade papers from 155 students, teach class, update technology, coach CDE teams, plan meetings, fundraisers, and events. Yea - say no to all of that. It is so hard!

I spend too much time on trivial things. I desperately WANT to be crafty, cute, and have a perfect home that is clean all of the time. I still need to hang curtains, decorate, install hardware on all of my cabinets, and refinish some furniture. I spend about 5 minutes on Pinterest and have a list a mile long of things I need to do. I hope my husband is ok with my saying that I plan on staying here for a VERY long time. We have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL home and perfection takes time. I need to give myself a break. I also need to QUIT COMPARING myself to other people.

I don't spend near enough time just being a wife. I was a wife first. Before there were three (almost 4), it was just us. Long before I am ever ready, it will just be us again. I need to be a wife, first. I need to be a wife before ANYTHING else. I need reminded of this daily. I have a husband who has needs. I need to put those first. I struggle with this daily.

I find myself being consumed by what others think sometimes. I could spend an entire conversation wondering if I am asking enough questions or talking too much about myself. I never want to seem self-absorbed or disinterested. I actually have a mental tally in my head about how much time I am spending talking compared to listening. I worry about how I am perceived. I carelessly and freely have conversations where I will say...so and so, yea they are great. so sweet, etc...While I wish I could over hear someone's conversation about me. What would they say? I can only hope that it would be positive. I always operate with the best intentions at heart. I hope that is always how they are perceived.

I'm only human. I'm a constant work in progress. Yet among all of these insecurities, I am confident. I am happy. I am blessed beyond belief. Each night when I put my son to bed, we say, "Dear Jesus, Thank you for today." And I truly mean every single word of that. I'm thankful for each second, whether it be laced with stress and worry or bouncing with blessings. I'm grateful for it all. It means I get one more day to become the best me I can be.

Bambino Update!

Bringing you a wonderful Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas deal. 3 blogs for the rock bottom price of ONE!

How far along?  16 Weeks

Total weight gain: Not looking
Maternity clothes? Yes…maternity clothes are in full force. Took all of my regular clothes out of my closet

Sleep: As often as possible
Best moment this week: Thanksgiving without morning sickness. Yum!

Miss Anything? No. Life is so normal that I sometimes forget I am pregnant.

Movement: Yes! Little flutters here and there. So cool to feel movement again.

Food cravings: Nothing in particular

Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of beer

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Nothing

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Movement – I can’t wait to feel you wiggle, jiggle, and dance around in there!

Graham’s Moment of the Week: Graham got a big boy bed this week and we took down the crib in his room, sorted through all of his too small clothes, and rearranged his furniture. It was a lot to take in one day, but we are all adjusting. Graham has also named you Princess and when asked if he wants a baby brother or baby sister...he says (exasperated) "It's a baaaaaaby, Mom."

How far along?  17 Weeks

Total weight gain: Still too scared. You’d think I had packed on 30 lbs by the way everyone looks at me.
Maternity clothes? All in...goodbye buttons!

Sleep: Am I narcoleptic? Getting some energy back.
Best moment this week: Daddy felt movement this week!

Miss Anything? The ability to rest like I did when I was pregnant with G. 2 yr olds don't rest…

Movement: It has to be quiet, I have to be still, but I feel this little miracle!

Food cravings: Olives

Anything making you queasy or sick: Beer and tobacco…the usual

Gender: Surprise!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Feeling pretty good!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! Stressed! Happy!
Looking forward to: Our ultrasound! I love seeing your sweet little self.

Graham Moment this Week: Sometimes I lose track of how funny your very sweet big brother is. He is going to be the BEST big brother…as long as you don’t touch his toys.

How far along?  18 Weeks

Total weight gain: 1.5 lbs - boom! I was terrified to see that number.
Maternity clothes? All in to my stretchy life. I love it now, I’ll hate it in 5 months.

Sleep: Except for the night your brother had a stomach virus, sleep is pretty great.
Best moment this week: Seeing your sweet little self on the ultrasound…especially through Graham’s eyes!

Miss Anything? Pants with shape…all of my pants are too short and too baggy!

Movement: Flutters, kickboxing, rolling

Food cravings: Sweet tooth this week. I love ice cream!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing

Gender: Surprise! I considered finding out but we didn't. Or did we? You'll never know!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: I have a cough that just won’t go away!

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! So Happy! I’m starting to think about planning your nursery and getting excited about everything.
Looking forward to: Getting started on your nursery. I can’t wait to make a space just for you!

Graham Moment this week: I told G we were going to see the baby at the dr’s office…he looked at me, concerned, and said…Mommy, you left your baby at the doctor?!?

PS - I should start taking some bump pics. I am a few weeks behind.