Pump Where?

I've often thought of unconventional things I should be including in my so-called "baby book". Things like the time G shit in the baby tub when he was approximately 1 month old and I was home alone bathing him. That led to shitty bath water and a shit covered mom and baby. He should have to read about that when he's 16, right?!? What about the times he puked ALL over me, like down my shirt, need a shower puke? Or the man farts and burps I've since grown accustomed to but strangers still stare when it happens in public...See, that stuff is so much more entertaining than his height and weight each dr's check-up. Nonetheless, I've kept a politically correct baby journal from the time I knew I was pregnant and I've modeled it after Jessica at Little Baby Garvin because she is downright hilarious.

At the Indy 500 on Sunday, I decided it would be fun to recall all of the places I have pumped or nursed my child in the last 10.5 months. It seems appropriate to start at the Indy 500, parked on the front row of the lot (scored a GREAT parking spot...not such a great pumping spot). Let's go in reverse chronological order.

• Indy 500 - backseat of the traverse, surrounded by tailgaters. 
• Kelsay's Dairy Farm - Animal Science Field trip which allowed me to conveniently pump in the milking parlor. Irony at it's finest. 
• Indiana State Fair - apartments above the cattle barn...dirty...disgusting...smelling of smoke...on a mattress in which I'm pretty certain I needed a shower directly after touching. 
• School Closet, Bathroom, Classroom - all have become the norm during my twice a day pumping sessions for many school days. 
• Indianapolis International Airport, immediately followed by the Southwest jet we were traveling on. Brings new meaning to the Mile High Club, right?
• Lucas Oil Stadium - in a random concession stand closet, praying no one would come in but excited to still hear the roar of the crowd while I did my thang.
• Klipsch Music Center - again, surrounded by tailgaters who were all conveniently too drunk to notice anything was going on in the backseat of the Traverse. Thanks to Jason Aldean and Luke Bryan for an excellent concert.
• Indiana State Fair Colliseum - G was about 6 weeks old and there were people EVERYWHERE! Luckily he hadn't mastered the art of ripping off the nursing cover/blanket at the most inconvenient times. 

  I wish I had a map to put pins on and document my pumping adventures as I would love to be able to recall the details of each adventure one of these days. I've got a pretty solid relationship with my pump, but I can't say I will be sad to see it go. Little man is growing up too fast and I'm not about to be the new girl on the cover of Time Magazine with a teenager attached to his mama's boob.

Stalk Much?

Facebook, are you stalking me? Do you employ drones to hover over my laptop while I browse the web? Is there an app for reading my mind? I'm constantly befuddled by how you know what to put in the advertisements on the right banner of my screen? When I was engaged, you littered my screen with wedding tips, planning tips, and weight loss tips. Upon changing my status to "married" you began shoving "are you pregnant" ads down my throat, housewife how-to's, recipes, house decorating, etc. I'm fairly certain you knew I was pregnant before I did because you switched to the weekly baby updates before I saw 2 pink lines. As I battled morning sickness, you were kind enough to keep food ads away and, instead, raved about the best stroller, crib, toys, and clothes. When we posted the first pics of Gman, there were other cute little curtain climbers that appeared to the right...along with new weight loss ads, breastfeeding info, and diaper coupons. What's next?

Obviously you've forgotten that I'm the stalker here, creep. Stop trying to speak to me while I creep on my friends, old and new. I'd like to silently stalk my non-parent friends, and use my cyber powers to punch my parent friends for the constant flow of pictures, statuses, and bragging about their babies sleeping all night. Maybe you should focus on teaching my baby to sleep instead of birth control law suits, beauty products, and the exact same damn sunglasses I just looked into purchasing for my smallest crib midget. Get out of my brain, Facebook.

See ya on Twitter.

Smut Television

I'm just as guilty as the next person...I like to watch what my mother considers to be "smut TV" (don't let her fool you, she does too!). If we're being really honest, there isn't much time to watch TV these days but I will always have time for my favorites. 

The DVR is packed with The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Grey's Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor/ette, The Pioneer Woman, Teen Mom 2, Modern Family, and a few others I can't recall. If I'm bored (rarely ever never) I will watch RHO-whatever city is on, Desperate Housewives re-runs, etc. This typically happens at approximately 2 am when my baby is refusing to sleep. 

It's that time of year when all of my favorites are wrapping up for the summer and the new summer shows are coming out. A couple days ago I was making dinner and had the TV on as background noise when something caught my attention. "Mistresses" coming this summer. What. The. Hell? A show highlighting the infidelities in marriages? A group of friends that get together to talk about whose wife they are sleeping with? Are you freaking kidding me? Is this real life? Did ABC really sign on for a show like this?

Now that I think of it, there are many other shows of this nature. Scandal and Revenge are crowd favorites and they are based around infidelities as well. I don't recall any of my childhood favorites broadcasting the breaking of any of the 10 commandments. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman wasn't running around planning trysts with the townsfolk. What the hell is wrong with this picture? 

I'm freaking old. Back to one of my favorites - Modern Family. Ugh, I'm such a hypocrite.

Hard Days

As a teen, young adult, and newlywed I was completely guilty of seeing Motherhood as a glamorous "occupation". I loved the idea of toting a baby on my hip, dressing him/her cute, taking him/her to the zoo, the mall, and Disney World. With this picture in my head, how could I not want to get pregnant, pop out a baby, and get this party started?!? 

Well - it's not all rainbows and sunshine folks! It's not glamorous! It's not all dress up, day trips, and sure as hell doesn't look like the photographs you see in picture frames. It's harder than anything I've ever done and I'm not even to the Terrible Two's. Before you start thinking that I'm selfish and don't deserve the privilege of being called, "Mama" let me clarify why I'm writing about this. 

I researched, read, and poured over all of the information I could get my hands on before G was born. I read reviews on each and every single thing we registered for and purchased. I wasn't about to make an uneducated decision. I committed to breastfeeding, making homemade baby food, sticking to a routine, and trying my damndest to keep my kid happy and healthy. 

And then, he started daycare and the germs started rolling in (literally). He's been sick every 2-4-6 weeks since October. We've had RSV, bronchitis, upper respiratory infections, ear infections, stomach viruses, and croup to name a few. Let's not forget the common cold, teeth, and undiagnosed fussy days. The day I went back to work, he quit sleeping through the night and hasn't consistently done it since. We've tried medicine, solid food, change of routine, hot, cold, dark, light, loud, quiet, vaporizer, no vaporizer, swaddled, unswaddled, sleep sack, blanket, fleece sleeper, cotton sleeper...I could go on for days.

This week, he was diagnosed with yet another ear infection due to teething. I ran out of sick days on Monday and took my first unpaid day on Tuesday. Secretly, I love staying home and taking care of my little man. It's hard, he cries, we don't sleep, but I'm his Mama and it's my job to take care of him. Unfortunately, I have another job...one that gives me a paycheck. So, with a fever free baby strapped in the car we headed off to daycare this morning so I could go to work and prepare my students for finals. 20 minutes in to my 45 minute commute, they called...I could hear the cries before she ever even told me who she was and I knew it was my baby who was wailing in the background. Worst. Feeling. Ever. She called to tell me he had developed a rash all over his torso and he was inconsolable. I was faced with Choices. You see, my number 1 priority is my son. However, I have an obligation to my students, my job. So, with tears running down my cheeks, I kept heading south and started to problem solve. Could my husband go get him? Nope, contractors at work - couldn't leave. Could I take him to school? Nope against the rules. Can anyone help me out here? Nope, family lives too far away. So, I kept crying and kept driving. Got to school to face my students with my tears and try to help them understand that I want to teach them, but being a Mama comes first. I won't get paid again today, but I'm not sure that is the hardest pill to swallow. The hard part is the hour it was going to take me to get back to him. I scribbled down some sub plans (not even sure you could call them that) and headed North. I tried not to break the law, but speeding limits didn't feel too important. 

The good news is that it turned out to be a drug rash, the dr calmed my fears and answered all my questions. He noted that we shouldn't prescribe penicillin compounds anymore and had my baby smiling/laughing by the end of the appointment.

Please understand that I know it could be so much worse. I'm grateful every single day for the incredibly blessed life that I live. My son is healthy (no major illnesses), I've got a roof over my head (pretty darn nice one too!), an incredible family, great friends, and when I'm not home, I get to spend the day with some pretty great kids (most of them anyway!). I'm just saying it ain't easy, but the crazy part is...It's so worth it. I'm now 100% certain that during childbirth, you're implanted with some sort of device that makes you want to be the best you can be for your little one(s). Maybe we could arrange for a complimentary tummy tuck and extra set of hands the next time.

Run, Mama! Run!

I've decided since the weather has been absolutely gorgeous that I should bust out the running shoes again. I've used the crappy weather and no time for the gym as my excuses for a solid 9 months. Prior to that, I used being way pregnant as my excuse, and I'm sure I had some other lame ass excuses even before that. 

Let's just say, I'm a bit rusty. I typically try to get a "run" in after little man goes to bed for the night. For the sake of this post, let's use the word "run" lightly. Tonight was Attempt 3 and I accomplished an 11 min/mile. Seriously, #fatkidproblems. Not only was I running slow, but I felt like I was dying the entire time. Monday - I ran farther and faster...tonight - different story. 

Here's a trick though, if I run with my ear buds in, I can't hear myself breathing - which is an excellent form of mind trickery to convince myself I am not dying. About 1 mile into the run, I caught a whiff of dead animal...seriously, puke. I contemplated calling for pick-up, but my options are seriously limited there. SO, I kept running jogging along. About 1.3 miles in, I recalled the Biscuits and Gravy I had for dinner and reconsidered my choices to eat at 7:20 and run at 8:10...seriously, puke. About 1.5 miles in, the end was in sight and I tried to kick it up a notch...I'm sure the neighbors got pure entertainment from that.

The good news, I did it. it wasn't pretty, but I did it. I'm setting a goal to do a 5k...maybe a Color Run. Any suggestions? If you'd like a good laugh, stake yourself on my route - between gasping for breaths and my serious lack of coordination, I'll turn any frown upside down.