It's 10:54...I've been running balls to the walls since last Thursday...and I can't sleep. My head is spinning. That's an understatement. I'm going to be real with you guys - I have such mixed emotion about this big move. Tonight, I had dinner with my best friend which was typical for a Tuesday night. Or any night really...we chatted like nothing was going to change...all the while, the knot in my stomach grew bigger. Fun Fact about me - I'm a crier when I'm pissed off, but when I'm sad I just shut down. My stomach turns in knots, and I get the same glazed over look on my face. Every single time I wish I wasn't so cold hearted and could cry tears. And then, when it's 10:54 pm, I cry.
She and I were pregnant together, helped decorate our boys' nurseries, planned each others showers, supported one another during birth, and the first 6 weeks of the terrifying reality of taking care of another human being. We run errands, go to Sam's Club, the outlet mall, and Ikea together. We do all this among dinner dates, girl's nights, movie trips, and play dates. I know that no matter how many miles are between us we have a bond that will allow us to continue our friendship until we're old and new friends each time we talk thanks to senility. I just can't help but be sad that I can't call her to come over when I need to know which paint color to use, meet her for dinner at the last minute because I've had a crappy day, or crash her house for play dates without planning at least a few days ahead. I think Verizon will reconsider the term "unlimited minutes" on my phone plan.
The thought of going "home" is comforting. I know the town, its familiar. But it hasn't been "home" to me for 7 years. And in those 7 years things have changed. My circle of friends made new memories without me - I'm on the outside of the circle no matter what they say. My family isn't used to having us around and have an established familiar routine amongst themselves and their friends. It'll take a while to become a part of the "routine".
While there were a lot of things I didn't particularly love about my job - there were great people and great students. I enjoyed my "lunch bunch" and comfort of seeing the same, kind, supportive faces each day. Now, I'm the new girl again. New students who don't know me. New "lunch bunches" to try to fit in to. New routine, New responsibilities, New Expectations, New Stress.
And my house - it holds such a special place in my heart. Driving away from here might be the cause of a long overdue break down. The recent Sealy Commercial, "Life Before your Eyes" is just the tip of the iceberg of how I feel about this place. It's our first home. We bought it together. It has seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and New year's Eve. We've slammed doors, only to be shortly followed by making up. We've grown as a couple, as individuals. We grew as a family and, now, it holds the memories of bringing our son home and into his first room. It's housed many sleepless nights, cries, laughs, and more joy than should possibly fit within 4 walls.
Deep down, I know this is the right thing. But, it's a hell of a lot harder than I imagined the "right thing" being. It hasn't been an easy transition and I know that while we wait for our house to sell and move into my parent's home, there will be more struggles to come. "The struggles make ya stronger"...and I'm sure one day I will look back and remember this as an exciting and joyful time. We're so very grateful for this opportunity and the blessing of our new jobs, my parent's offer to accept us into their home, and the continuous support of our friends and family. Bittersweet, incredibly bittersweet.
It's time to look forward, not behind. What is it that might be keeping you from looking ahead?
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