How will I love him?

When my husband and I decided that it was time to expand our family again, I was so excited. I have always wanted a big family and it felt like the right time. Everything seems sunshine and rainbows because we didn't know any differently. . I knew it would be hard, but I was just so excited at the possibility of giving G a sibling. And, quite honestly...making babies is fun! Sorry, mom! But, hang on, let's rewind for just a second to set the stage for this. 

5 years ago, as I prepared to marry my best friend, I had no fears. Sure I knew it was going to be hard, but we were so very in love that I had nothing to really be afraid of. I knew I loved him and there was no turning back. 4 years ago, when we decided to have a child, I was confident that my heart could hold enough love for my husband AND our son. I knew that I would love them fiercely, but differently and I was sure that I could handle both of those things. (looking back and forward, I should probably revisit this!). But, when I realized that I would need to make room in my heart for another child, I suddenly became scared. How would I love him like I loved our firstborn? Would there be enough time to adequately love them both? Would I be able to equally parent them both? Will either of them feel like I love the other more? What will G think when he realizes that he has to share his mom and dad?

These have all been fears that have been present in the back of my mind, but I have been too afraid to speak them. I mean, I kind of sound like a terrible person just mentioning them here. I looked for articles and blogs about how to prepare #1 for the arrival of #2 and how to prepare for #2 in general, but nothing really helped me to understand my feelings. I was truly terrified (still am!) and really didn't feel like I could discuss it with anyone. 

Now that #2 is here and we are a week in to this journey, I wanted to address some of those fears in the event that there was ever another person who felt like me. The heart is a pretty amazing organ with plenty of room to expand and love more fiercely than I ever imagined. I was prepared not to feel an overwhelming sense of love as soon as T was born. I knew from the first round that it would take me a few minutes/hours to grasp the gigantic change happening in my life. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it happened so effortlessly. Suddenly, there was this tiny little human and he was MINE!

How would I love him like I love our firstborn? Well, I don't. I love them both equally, but I love them differently. The same way that I love my husband differently than I love my children. I knew this was possible, but I was afraid that I would feel protective over my firstborn's feelings and would end up neglecting the time I would need to bond with #2. This has not proven to be the case so far. I know I have a lifetime to mess this up, but so far so good. 

Will there be enough time to love them both? Honestly, no, there isn't ever enough time. I have found that I have to force myself to create special time for both of them. I have to pass #2 off to Daddy whenever I can to create time for #1. I understand that this is like asking a kindergartener for graduation advice because I've only been a mama of two boys for a very short time, but it is amazing to me that all of my previously felt anxieties have essentially been washed away. 

It hasn't been a seamless transition. I have already messed up. I will continue to mess up. However, I can't imagine my life any differently. It was amazing to me that although Casey and I had been together for 2 years before we got married, I woke up the morning after our wedding and everything felt different. We were married. When Graham was born, I was amazed that my life changed instantly. There was nothing more important than caring for him and being his mama. This time is no different and there is enough love to go around. I can't imagine not having Tucker in our lives. I am just so grateful that God sent me these 3 boys. First, my husband to share a life with and now these two amazing little miracles to shape and grow. I hope I don't disappoint any of them. 

Introducing Mr. Tucker Lane

At my 40 week check up on Friday, May 15^th (due date), we scheduled an induction date for Friday, May 22^nd (our 5^th wedding anniversary). I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to be induced again and would never know the feeling of racing to the hospital while breathing through contractions and screaming obscenities at my husband. I have super strange goals in life, I know. Anyway, I had a packed weekend planned to get everything done I needed to get done prior to your arrival. Saturday I ran errands all day and attended a wedding. On the way home from the wedding, we stopped to get ice cream and then headed home just like any normal night. Big brother Graham had a very difficult time going to bed when we got home and ended up sleeping in our bed. 

At 3:00 am, I woke up thinking Graham had kicked me in the back again. As I woke up and got my bearings I realized that Graham was all the way on the other side of the bed and that was a monster contraction instead. I laid in bed until about 4:00 when I decided I should get up and get the laundry done since I would probably be having a baby that day. (again, my brain doesn’t work like a normal person). I finished 3 loads of laundry while timing contractions. They were coming every 7 minutes and lasting anywhere from 1-2 minutes. Around 7:30 am, I heard little Graham feet upstairs and decided I would go up and take a shower. At this point, my contractions were coming every 4 minutes, but only lasting 45 sec-1 min. I gently asked Casey to get up and get Graham dressed while I took a shower, but I guess I failed to mention that I was in labor. He probably wondered why it sounded like I was “singing” in the shower. Ha. After we got everyone on the same page, it was kind of a fast track. We finished packing our bags, Graham got super excited to go to Grammy’s house with his suitcase and we loaded up in the car. We dropped graham off at my parents house on the way to the hospital, which caused a slight emotional breakdown on my part. It was the first time I realized that it would no longer be the 3 of us. The contractions were every 4 minutes steadily and lasting longer each time. We called the hospital to let them know we were on our way and tried to have a normal conversation with a few expletives shouted here and there. All my dreams were coming true! Casey dropped me off at the door and we decided to take our bags inside because there was no turning point. When I decided to take the stairs, Daddy looked at me like I was absolutely insane, but it was faster! 

I was already dilated to 4 and completely thinned when we arrived. I decided to wait a little while for the epidural and tried to breathe through the contractions as best I could while being tethered to an IV pole and fetal monitors. When they asked about the epidural again, I told them to bring it on. It is a good thing I did, because if I would have waited any longer, I would have been going all natural and probably taught the nurses and doctors a whole new colorful vocabulary. Around noon, the Dr, Casey, and I made a bet about when you would arrive. Dr: 1:30 pm, Mommy: 2:30 pm, Daddy: 5:30 pm. (Mommy always knows best, buddy!) 

I felt a lot of pressure and an intense wave of nausea so I told Casey to call the nurse and she said it was time to push. 20 minutes later at 2:55 pm, Tucker Lane Dickerson was born with a full head of dark hair, full cheeks, and just barely a cry. I couldn't believe Big Brother was right and he was going to get a “Tucker”. It is always amazing to experience the intense feeling of pregnancy immediately followed by the presence of a tiny, wet human on your chest. You nursed like a champ, latching right away, and just gazed up at Mommy stealing my heart as each second passed. After you had nursed and everyone checked out ok, it was time to introduce you to Big Brother. I will never forget this moment. He has been so incredibly smitten with you from the minute he walked in to that hospital room. We spent some quiet time as a family of four, but knew we had a waiting room full of wondering minds. 

Daddy carried big brother out to the waiting room and he yelled to everyone that he had a BROTHER! Grandparents came back and everyone began asking how big you were, but we hadn't weighed you. It was apparent that you were a pretty big boy, 9 lbs 6 oz, 20 ½” long with a 37 cm head circumference. You look absolutely nothing like your brother, have a full head of incredibly long black hair, and chunky little cheeks. You are covered in dark hair and will probably need to start shaving your face by the time you start kindergarten. You have been an absolute trooper when it comes to dealing with Big Brother’s constant affection, nurse every 3 hours on average, and are keeping the diaper business afloat single handedly. You are perfect, Tucker Lane, and I couldn't love you anymore.

Photo Credit: Raisor Sharp Images

What to Pack in your Hospital Bag

When I was preparing myself for Gman's arrival, I found a lot of other blogs to be helpful with things like what to take to the hospital. I appreciated the mama's point of view about what is really necessary and what can be left behind. I compiled a list myself that I have shared with friends through text and email and I thought I would post it here as well. 

Camera with Batteries and Charger - you will want photos on something more than your phone.
Slippers/Socks/Flip-Flops - Depending on the time of year, you can choose what you would be most comfortable in. Hospitals are clean, but everyone's shoes walking in and out of your room are not. 
Nursing Bras (2) - I prefer the sports bra type in the beginning. Way more comfortable than the others.
Nursing Tanks (2) - When you are full, it is necessary to double up!
Nursing Pads (4 Pairs) - Depending on your body and your length of stay, it is possible your milk will come in while you are at the hospital. 
Granny Panties - the hospital will give you some mesh ones, but I hated them and wanted some sort of normalcy back in my life. I usually buy some relative cheap, dark colored ones that can be thrown away. 
PJ's - Be mindful of night/day sweats and make sure you won't get too hot. I am not a nightgown type of person so I wasn't really interested in wearing a hospital gown any longer than I had to.
Bathrobe - You know those hospital gowns open in the back...you don't want to be THAT lady.
Going Home Outfit - Loose, flowy, maternity clothes. Don't even attempt pre-pregnancy clothing unless you want to cry over something else. 
Chapstick - Something about Labor makes your lips dry.
All of the obvious toiletries - Again, you don't want to be THAT lady that doesn't shower while she is in the hospital. Ew
Phone Charger - because that thing will be blowing up!
Pillow(s) - Depending on how you have been sleeping, it might be nice to have some comfort of home. I took my body pillow
Boppy - If you are planning on nursing, this is a MUST!

FOR HIM
Comfy clothes - you can turn down the ac when you are sweating to be comfortable, so he should be prepared to bundle up.
Obvious Toiletries
Phone Charger
Snacks - You'll be happy you have them, but don't think about eating them in front of your wife while she is in labor. 

DIAPER BAG
Going Home Outfits (2) - if you are like me, you will need a boy and girl outfit.
Socks
Pacifiers - some hospitals won't give you one due to nipple confusion. I liked having one for comfort and because we had an extended stay
Blanket
Plenty of space to stick all of the diapers, wipes, lanolin, pads, and goodies you have already paid for.

RANDOM TIPS
Make sure your car seat is installed properly (duh!)
Pack your breast pump if you are nursing
Abide by the hospital's visiting hours. You need your rest!

Excuse Me.

Nearly everyone warned me that threes were going to be worse than twos. I believed them. I also underestimated how much worse it could possibly get. Threes are going to be tough. The good news is that by the time he classifies as a "terrible three year old", I'll be able to drink again. I say that in the most non alcoholic mother of ways. But sometimes, I think...if I could just drink a beer while he is screaming, kicking, hitting, spitting, and throwing things at me I will be able to resist doing all of those things right along with him. 

So, please excuse me when you see us out in public and he is having a moment. Excuse my rudeness when I walk right by you without saying more than "hi" because I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THERE. I really don't mean to be rude. I would LOVE to have a polite conversation with you, but did you notice the little monster that is currently clawing my face off on our way out the store? Yea, apparently now is not a good time. And I can't help but notice that your kids are acting perfect, so please let me just go cry this one out in the privacy of my car. I promise to return the favor because I know that just because everything looks ok in your world right now, doesn't mean that it is always that way. I will understand the next time our roles are reversed and you pass by, barely keeping it together on the way to cry it out in the privacy of your car. 

I know I am going to miss this. I know I am going to want this back and wish it all hadn't gone by so fast, but can you please remind me of those things when he is sweetly snuggled up to me in the evenings? Or when he wants to hold my hand and kiss my baby bump. Because, I swear, if you tell me (his very pregnant mother) in the middle of one of his tantrums that I am going to miss this, I might punch you in the throat. I'd like to think that I am better than that, but there is only so much this very pregnant mama can take at once. 

Oh, and I know it isn't going to get any easier when the next one gets here so you can feel free to suck that comment right back down your windpipe and keep it to yourself. Now I think I will attempt to find my sanity (and maybe pack my hospital bag) while my "sweet little baby" is taking a nap. Cheers!