When my husband and I decided that it was time to expand our family again, I was so excited. I have always wanted a big family and it felt like the right time. Everything seems sunshine and rainbows because we didn't know any differently. . I knew it would be hard, but I was just so excited at the possibility of giving G a sibling. And, quite honestly...making babies is fun! Sorry, mom! But, hang on, let's rewind for just a second to set the stage for this.
5 years ago, as I prepared to marry my best friend, I had no fears. Sure I knew it was going to be hard, but we were so very in love that I had nothing to really be afraid of. I knew I loved him and there was no turning back. 4 years ago, when we decided to have a child, I was confident that my heart could hold enough love for my husband AND our son. I knew that I would love them fiercely, but differently and I was sure that I could handle both of those things. (looking back and forward, I should probably revisit this!). But, when I realized that I would need to make room in my heart for another child, I suddenly became scared. How would I love him like I loved our firstborn? Would there be enough time to adequately love them both? Would I be able to equally parent them both? Will either of them feel like I love the other more? What will G think when he realizes that he has to share his mom and dad?
These have all been fears that have been present in the back of my mind, but I have been too afraid to speak them. I mean, I kind of sound like a terrible person just mentioning them here. I looked for articles and blogs about how to prepare #1 for the arrival of #2 and how to prepare for #2 in general, but nothing really helped me to understand my feelings. I was truly terrified (still am!) and really didn't feel like I could discuss it with anyone.
Now that #2 is here and we are a week in to this journey, I wanted to address some of those fears in the event that there was ever another person who felt like me. The heart is a pretty amazing organ with plenty of room to expand and love more fiercely than I ever imagined. I was prepared not to feel an overwhelming sense of love as soon as T was born. I knew from the first round that it would take me a few minutes/hours to grasp the gigantic change happening in my life. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it happened so effortlessly. Suddenly, there was this tiny little human and he was MINE!
How would I love him like I love our firstborn? Well, I don't. I love them both equally, but I love them differently. The same way that I love my husband differently than I love my children. I knew this was possible, but I was afraid that I would feel protective over my firstborn's feelings and would end up neglecting the time I would need to bond with #2. This has not proven to be the case so far. I know I have a lifetime to mess this up, but so far so good.
Will there be enough time to love them both? Honestly, no, there isn't ever enough time. I have found that I have to force myself to create special time for both of them. I have to pass #2 off to Daddy whenever I can to create time for #1. I understand that this is like asking a kindergartener for graduation advice because I've only been a mama of two boys for a very short time, but it is amazing to me that all of my previously felt anxieties have essentially been washed away.
It hasn't been a seamless transition. I have already messed up. I will continue to mess up. However, I can't imagine my life any differently. It was amazing to me that although Casey and I had been together for 2 years before we got married, I woke up the morning after our wedding and everything felt different. We were married. When Graham was born, I was amazed that my life changed instantly. There was nothing more important than caring for him and being his mama. This time is no different and there is enough love to go around. I can't imagine not having Tucker in our lives. I am just so grateful that God sent me these 3 boys. First, my husband to share a life with and now these two amazing little miracles to shape and grow. I hope I don't disappoint any of them.
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