That Moment

It usually happens about this time of night. After I have FINALLY gotten my oldest to bed. You know, he has to shower, no he needs to pee first, then brush his teeth, then stand naked in the bathroom for "2 minutes" to make sure the water is just right. After I have read a book, making sure not to skip ANY WORDS because he only chooses books that he has memorized. After I have allowed him to have a drink of fresh water and give his "baby tucker" 3 kisses. After we have sang Jesus loves me and said our prayers. After I let him turn the light off and kiss "baby Tucker" 3 more times. After he remembers that he forgot to tell the porch kitties goodnight. 

After I have swaddled my youngest. After he is done eating and completely cashed out. It is then that I stare at him, completely memorized by how perfect my day has been. Even when it isn't. Because with the background noise of the sound machine, his sweet deep, even breaths that I can feel because he is still so close to me, and my inability to put him in his crib, I forget why I was so stressed 30 minutes ago when G asked the 30th question in 3 minutes. I forget all of the things that went wrong during the day. And I refuse to put him down because as soon as I do, this moment is over. There are dishes to do, laundry to fold, steps to take, and things to prepare for tomorrow. Right here, right now, none of that matters. So, if you can't find me, I'll be holding on to this moment right here in this rocking chair. It's simply too good to let go of. 

Graham is THREE!

Typing that title makes my stomach flip flop a little bit. How is it possible that he could be three?!? I swear it was just last week that we were navigating the first few days of parenthood with him. While it feels like he was just born, I can't imagine our life without him. Now, we are navigating being parents of two and it is such a fun (and trying) journey.

I vowed to not stress out over his birthday party this year like I did last year. Honestly, I just didn't have time to make it miserable. I quickly jumped on Pinterest to get some ideas in my head and then never looked at that blessed site again. I didn't go over board, didn't stress out, and had a good time planning his 3rd birthday. I left out little details that no one really cares about. I didn't make a fancy menu, didn't label every food and drink item, and didn't wrap the silverware. Those things take up so much time and are so unnecessary. I'm posting these pictures for memories, not to brag, or make you feel like you should plan something similar. I had so much fun this year and did everything within reason and on a budget.

Cupcake Cake by Heartsville Sweets. She's awesome, like usual.

 My dad printed all of the poster size pictures at his work. Graham thought they were so cool!

 I had 100% of the decorations because my kid is obsessed with tractors. It was easy.

 Ice Cream Sundae Bar...yum! (and very easy!)

 One of his favorite gifts. 

 Now he can weedeat just like his daddy. 

 This is about as good as family pictures get these days.

 What's a party without a pinata?

It's my birthday, I can cry if I want to!

We have a huge family and really love having everyone over for special occasions. I grew up celebrating every birthday with a family dinner and intend to do the same for my kiddos. I'm so glad everyone was able to come and have an awesome time with us. We love you all!

How will I love him?

When my husband and I decided that it was time to expand our family again, I was so excited. I have always wanted a big family and it felt like the right time. Everything seems sunshine and rainbows because we didn't know any differently. . I knew it would be hard, but I was just so excited at the possibility of giving G a sibling. And, quite honestly...making babies is fun! Sorry, mom! But, hang on, let's rewind for just a second to set the stage for this. 

5 years ago, as I prepared to marry my best friend, I had no fears. Sure I knew it was going to be hard, but we were so very in love that I had nothing to really be afraid of. I knew I loved him and there was no turning back. 4 years ago, when we decided to have a child, I was confident that my heart could hold enough love for my husband AND our son. I knew that I would love them fiercely, but differently and I was sure that I could handle both of those things. (looking back and forward, I should probably revisit this!). But, when I realized that I would need to make room in my heart for another child, I suddenly became scared. How would I love him like I loved our firstborn? Would there be enough time to adequately love them both? Would I be able to equally parent them both? Will either of them feel like I love the other more? What will G think when he realizes that he has to share his mom and dad?

These have all been fears that have been present in the back of my mind, but I have been too afraid to speak them. I mean, I kind of sound like a terrible person just mentioning them here. I looked for articles and blogs about how to prepare #1 for the arrival of #2 and how to prepare for #2 in general, but nothing really helped me to understand my feelings. I was truly terrified (still am!) and really didn't feel like I could discuss it with anyone. 

Now that #2 is here and we are a week in to this journey, I wanted to address some of those fears in the event that there was ever another person who felt like me. The heart is a pretty amazing organ with plenty of room to expand and love more fiercely than I ever imagined. I was prepared not to feel an overwhelming sense of love as soon as T was born. I knew from the first round that it would take me a few minutes/hours to grasp the gigantic change happening in my life. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it happened so effortlessly. Suddenly, there was this tiny little human and he was MINE!

How would I love him like I love our firstborn? Well, I don't. I love them both equally, but I love them differently. The same way that I love my husband differently than I love my children. I knew this was possible, but I was afraid that I would feel protective over my firstborn's feelings and would end up neglecting the time I would need to bond with #2. This has not proven to be the case so far. I know I have a lifetime to mess this up, but so far so good. 

Will there be enough time to love them both? Honestly, no, there isn't ever enough time. I have found that I have to force myself to create special time for both of them. I have to pass #2 off to Daddy whenever I can to create time for #1. I understand that this is like asking a kindergartener for graduation advice because I've only been a mama of two boys for a very short time, but it is amazing to me that all of my previously felt anxieties have essentially been washed away. 

It hasn't been a seamless transition. I have already messed up. I will continue to mess up. However, I can't imagine my life any differently. It was amazing to me that although Casey and I had been together for 2 years before we got married, I woke up the morning after our wedding and everything felt different. We were married. When Graham was born, I was amazed that my life changed instantly. There was nothing more important than caring for him and being his mama. This time is no different and there is enough love to go around. I can't imagine not having Tucker in our lives. I am just so grateful that God sent me these 3 boys. First, my husband to share a life with and now these two amazing little miracles to shape and grow. I hope I don't disappoint any of them. 

Introducing Mr. Tucker Lane

At my 40 week check up on Friday, May 15^th (due date), we scheduled an induction date for Friday, May 22^nd (our 5^th wedding anniversary). I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to be induced again and would never know the feeling of racing to the hospital while breathing through contractions and screaming obscenities at my husband. I have super strange goals in life, I know. Anyway, I had a packed weekend planned to get everything done I needed to get done prior to your arrival. Saturday I ran errands all day and attended a wedding. On the way home from the wedding, we stopped to get ice cream and then headed home just like any normal night. Big brother Graham had a very difficult time going to bed when we got home and ended up sleeping in our bed. 

At 3:00 am, I woke up thinking Graham had kicked me in the back again. As I woke up and got my bearings I realized that Graham was all the way on the other side of the bed and that was a monster contraction instead. I laid in bed until about 4:00 when I decided I should get up and get the laundry done since I would probably be having a baby that day. (again, my brain doesn’t work like a normal person). I finished 3 loads of laundry while timing contractions. They were coming every 7 minutes and lasting anywhere from 1-2 minutes. Around 7:30 am, I heard little Graham feet upstairs and decided I would go up and take a shower. At this point, my contractions were coming every 4 minutes, but only lasting 45 sec-1 min. I gently asked Casey to get up and get Graham dressed while I took a shower, but I guess I failed to mention that I was in labor. He probably wondered why it sounded like I was “singing” in the shower. Ha. After we got everyone on the same page, it was kind of a fast track. We finished packing our bags, Graham got super excited to go to Grammy’s house with his suitcase and we loaded up in the car. We dropped graham off at my parents house on the way to the hospital, which caused a slight emotional breakdown on my part. It was the first time I realized that it would no longer be the 3 of us. The contractions were every 4 minutes steadily and lasting longer each time. We called the hospital to let them know we were on our way and tried to have a normal conversation with a few expletives shouted here and there. All my dreams were coming true! Casey dropped me off at the door and we decided to take our bags inside because there was no turning point. When I decided to take the stairs, Daddy looked at me like I was absolutely insane, but it was faster! 

I was already dilated to 4 and completely thinned when we arrived. I decided to wait a little while for the epidural and tried to breathe through the contractions as best I could while being tethered to an IV pole and fetal monitors. When they asked about the epidural again, I told them to bring it on. It is a good thing I did, because if I would have waited any longer, I would have been going all natural and probably taught the nurses and doctors a whole new colorful vocabulary. Around noon, the Dr, Casey, and I made a bet about when you would arrive. Dr: 1:30 pm, Mommy: 2:30 pm, Daddy: 5:30 pm. (Mommy always knows best, buddy!) 

I felt a lot of pressure and an intense wave of nausea so I told Casey to call the nurse and she said it was time to push. 20 minutes later at 2:55 pm, Tucker Lane Dickerson was born with a full head of dark hair, full cheeks, and just barely a cry. I couldn't believe Big Brother was right and he was going to get a “Tucker”. It is always amazing to experience the intense feeling of pregnancy immediately followed by the presence of a tiny, wet human on your chest. You nursed like a champ, latching right away, and just gazed up at Mommy stealing my heart as each second passed. After you had nursed and everyone checked out ok, it was time to introduce you to Big Brother. I will never forget this moment. He has been so incredibly smitten with you from the minute he walked in to that hospital room. We spent some quiet time as a family of four, but knew we had a waiting room full of wondering minds. 

Daddy carried big brother out to the waiting room and he yelled to everyone that he had a BROTHER! Grandparents came back and everyone began asking how big you were, but we hadn't weighed you. It was apparent that you were a pretty big boy, 9 lbs 6 oz, 20 ½” long with a 37 cm head circumference. You look absolutely nothing like your brother, have a full head of incredibly long black hair, and chunky little cheeks. You are covered in dark hair and will probably need to start shaving your face by the time you start kindergarten. You have been an absolute trooper when it comes to dealing with Big Brother’s constant affection, nurse every 3 hours on average, and are keeping the diaper business afloat single handedly. You are perfect, Tucker Lane, and I couldn't love you anymore.

Photo Credit: Raisor Sharp Images

What to Pack in your Hospital Bag

When I was preparing myself for Gman's arrival, I found a lot of other blogs to be helpful with things like what to take to the hospital. I appreciated the mama's point of view about what is really necessary and what can be left behind. I compiled a list myself that I have shared with friends through text and email and I thought I would post it here as well. 

Camera with Batteries and Charger - you will want photos on something more than your phone.
Slippers/Socks/Flip-Flops - Depending on the time of year, you can choose what you would be most comfortable in. Hospitals are clean, but everyone's shoes walking in and out of your room are not. 
Nursing Bras (2) - I prefer the sports bra type in the beginning. Way more comfortable than the others.
Nursing Tanks (2) - When you are full, it is necessary to double up!
Nursing Pads (4 Pairs) - Depending on your body and your length of stay, it is possible your milk will come in while you are at the hospital. 
Granny Panties - the hospital will give you some mesh ones, but I hated them and wanted some sort of normalcy back in my life. I usually buy some relative cheap, dark colored ones that can be thrown away. 
PJ's - Be mindful of night/day sweats and make sure you won't get too hot. I am not a nightgown type of person so I wasn't really interested in wearing a hospital gown any longer than I had to.
Bathrobe - You know those hospital gowns open in the back...you don't want to be THAT lady.
Going Home Outfit - Loose, flowy, maternity clothes. Don't even attempt pre-pregnancy clothing unless you want to cry over something else. 
Chapstick - Something about Labor makes your lips dry.
All of the obvious toiletries - Again, you don't want to be THAT lady that doesn't shower while she is in the hospital. Ew
Phone Charger - because that thing will be blowing up!
Pillow(s) - Depending on how you have been sleeping, it might be nice to have some comfort of home. I took my body pillow
Boppy - If you are planning on nursing, this is a MUST!

FOR HIM
Comfy clothes - you can turn down the ac when you are sweating to be comfortable, so he should be prepared to bundle up.
Obvious Toiletries
Phone Charger
Snacks - You'll be happy you have them, but don't think about eating them in front of your wife while she is in labor. 

DIAPER BAG
Going Home Outfits (2) - if you are like me, you will need a boy and girl outfit.
Socks
Pacifiers - some hospitals won't give you one due to nipple confusion. I liked having one for comfort and because we had an extended stay
Blanket
Plenty of space to stick all of the diapers, wipes, lanolin, pads, and goodies you have already paid for.

RANDOM TIPS
Make sure your car seat is installed properly (duh!)
Pack your breast pump if you are nursing
Abide by the hospital's visiting hours. You need your rest!

Excuse Me.

Nearly everyone warned me that threes were going to be worse than twos. I believed them. I also underestimated how much worse it could possibly get. Threes are going to be tough. The good news is that by the time he classifies as a "terrible three year old", I'll be able to drink again. I say that in the most non alcoholic mother of ways. But sometimes, I think...if I could just drink a beer while he is screaming, kicking, hitting, spitting, and throwing things at me I will be able to resist doing all of those things right along with him. 

So, please excuse me when you see us out in public and he is having a moment. Excuse my rudeness when I walk right by you without saying more than "hi" because I have GOT TO GET OUT OF THERE. I really don't mean to be rude. I would LOVE to have a polite conversation with you, but did you notice the little monster that is currently clawing my face off on our way out the store? Yea, apparently now is not a good time. And I can't help but notice that your kids are acting perfect, so please let me just go cry this one out in the privacy of my car. I promise to return the favor because I know that just because everything looks ok in your world right now, doesn't mean that it is always that way. I will understand the next time our roles are reversed and you pass by, barely keeping it together on the way to cry it out in the privacy of your car. 

I know I am going to miss this. I know I am going to want this back and wish it all hadn't gone by so fast, but can you please remind me of those things when he is sweetly snuggled up to me in the evenings? Or when he wants to hold my hand and kiss my baby bump. Because, I swear, if you tell me (his very pregnant mother) in the middle of one of his tantrums that I am going to miss this, I might punch you in the throat. I'd like to think that I am better than that, but there is only so much this very pregnant mama can take at once. 

Oh, and I know it isn't going to get any easier when the next one gets here so you can feel free to suck that comment right back down your windpipe and keep it to yourself. Now I think I will attempt to find my sanity (and maybe pack my hospital bag) while my "sweet little baby" is taking a nap. Cheers!

For my Sweet Son

As I put you to bed tonight and we said our prayers, I had an overwhelming outpouring of love. It's been a really ordinary day and it was a really ordinary night, but I just can't get over how amazing you are right now. I want to bottle it up and drink it in when you are 16. Instead, I'm going to write it all down so I have proof - and something to cry over while I'm drinking wine and waiting for you to come home on a Friday night. 

Right now, you have the BIGGEST heart and the most amazing sense of humor. Your imagination is just beginning to develop and you LOVE to tell me stories. You aren't much of a morning person, but you are incredibly consistent. When you get woken up (Daddy does this), you run in to our room with your blanket, sleepy eyes, and crazy hair! It only takes you about 2 minutes awake to insist that you need to put on your jeans, shoes (mostly boots), and your Colts baseball cap. When we get in the car, you like to pick our radio station depending on what is playing. Prior to taking you to Kim's, you always say...mommy, is that where you teach the children? Last week I was in a rush when I dropped you off and I forgot to give you a hug. I was only at school for about 5 minutes when I received a video from Ms. Kim (the best child care provider in the world!) of you telling me you loved me and to have a good day.

Because I spend so much time at school, you get to go with me a lot. You know the FFA kids by name and have conned them in to paying you for a high five. You tell them when to "knock it off" and even call them hillbillies every now and then. 

You love your Daddy so much right now and want to be JUST like him. You refuse to wear underwear and insist on boxers. I could throw all of your sweat pants away because you won't even consider wearing them. When Daddy wears a belt, you wear a belt. You even asked for a wallet to "put on my back side" just like Dad. The wallet has been a pretty big hit because it is the cutest thing in the world. While you love your Daddy, you love your Mommy just as much. Mommy has to give you a bath. Only Mommy is allowed to read books and do our bed time routine. Right now we lay down, sing Jesus Loves Me, and then say our prayers. They sound something like this. 

Dear Jesus, Thank you for today. Thank you for going to Ms. Kims/Grammys and playing toys with my friends/Brody. Mommy, did you comb my hair? Thank you for the new baby calves. Watch over all my family. Mommy, Where's my family? Please help me sleep good tonight. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

After prayers, you need to give us a Hug, a Kiss (mommy gets a nose kiss too), and a high five. I have absolutely no idea where you came up with that combination, but I hope it lasts forever. 

As we get ready for you to become a big brother, we talk to you about how things will be different with the baby (which you have kindly named Brother Princess to cover all of the bases) . You're prepared to share your crib with the baby especially since you got a new big bed and the changing table since you don't wear diapers anymore. You've recently decided that it will be ok for your baby to share your bathroom, but only to take baths. The baby can't have any of your tractors or your toothbrush. Today, instead of just giving me a hug when I picked you up, you kissed my belly first. I hope you always love your little brother or sister that much. 

For as much love as you have, you are also hilarious. You ask kids your age, Hey What's your problem (totally out of context). You really love to let everyone, even the dogs know when something is yours. Muffins are your favorite breakfast food and lemonade is your preferred beverage. Monsters University is your absolute favorite movie and you really like it to be playing any time we are home. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood is another favorite that you can watch on our phones. We can't possibly have enough tractors, trucks, cows, or hay bales in our house. You have to check all of your "animals" when we get home. You are super dramatic and love to tell on Daddy. Any time you get in trouble with Daddy you run to Mommy  and usually say, Daddy's being mean to me! You're becoming quite the negotiator and ask to play for 3 minutes before it's bath time. Tonight you told me that you were staying at Grammy's house FOREVER.  You are a very active, fun, energetic, smart, hilarious, loving kid. 

I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. 

Legend of a Legacy

The Legacy, Elsie Hege

Working the dough, like she's been doing it forever.

I may have previously coined that title for a Christmas present, but it couldn't be more fitting as a blog title. You might have seen an Instagram/Facebook photo last week promising a blog update "very soon"....well, "very soon" is finally here. Last week, we had a snow make-up day that we actually got to take advantage of. I have been asking my Grandma Hege to teach me how to make her famous (i'm not exaggerating here) egg noodles for a couple of years. We always talked about doing it in the summer and just never got around to it. I am so grateful that we finally made it happen! In order to truly convey how wonderful this was, let me give you a little bit of history

Mom getting schooled on the art of noodle rolling!

My Grandma Hege has always been invincible. She has worked harder than most people her age for her entire life. She married at 18, had 3 babies, sent a son off to war, lost her husband at 40, ran the town license branch, then worked at the county court house in voter registration until she "retired" a few years ago. She will celebrate her 85th birthday next month and just recently had a few health set backs. This fall, she passed out at Walgreens. Somehow, she convinced the staff to let her call her (older!) sister to come pick her up instead of the ambulance. After heading to a heart doctor, she was instructed to wear a heart monitor for 30 days to track her heart activity and told to push the button when she felt symptoms of passing out. During this time, she was not allowed to drive or stay alone so she stayed with her 92 year old sister. She never pushed the button so her doctor didn't find anything "wrong". She is still not allowed to drive and not supposed to stay alone. You try telling a woman who has been living alone for 45 years that she can't stay at her house. We compromised by making her promise she would wear a life alert necklace, but she still can't drive. This has really taken the life out of the Grandma that I have always known to be invincible. She doesn't think she can do anything anymore without the fear of having another "episode". 

When we made noodles last Monday, I saw her come alive. She would say "I'm not sure if I remember how to do this" and then her body would take over and it became mindless. She KNEW what she was doing and I caught a glimpse of my invincible Grandma. We had planned to get started making noodles after Graham went down for a nap, but he really didn't want to miss out on the action. It was beautiful to watch her interact with him and include him in the process. He even surprised us by showing that he could indeed crack an egg, straight on to the table. 

Giving him his own dough to work

I can't quite put in to words what it meant to me to get the chance to make noodles with my Grandma and my mom. She told me she used to wake up at 3:30 am to get a batch of noodles started before she went to work so they would be dried and ready to bag that night. She sold them for $3/bag and always gave more than she sold. I can remember her house being covered in flour while the noodles dried for most of my visits. She's always been such a hard worker. 

Finished Product!

When I called her to tell her that we had gotten 5 bags of noodles out of what we made that day, she was so pleased. I told her I had thought about whipping up a batch this week so I could increase my stash and start to give some to family, but I didn't have enough time. She said, "I think it would work good if I mixed the noodles and you rolled them." Two months ago, she would have told me that she just couldn't do it any more. Now, she wants to help and knows she can. I saw her come alive and I can't wait to do it again. 

Its More Than a Job

I knew I wanted to be a teacher in middle school. At that time I had a really awesome English teacher, Mrs. Lumbley, who made middle school bearable and English fun. I loved her class and wanted to be "just like her" when I became a teacher some day. High School english came along and...woah, people actually enjoyed literature, poems, adverbs, hyperboles, and all kinds of other things I still don't understand?!? I couldn't teach English...it was painful! However, I had a really awesome high school Ag teacher. Her profession combined all of my loves, my passions. She understood and supported my passion for the show cattle industry. No other teacher had ever encouraged me to miss school when given the opportunity to exhibit at national shows, but Ms. Nolting just wanted to hear all about it when I returned. As a high school junior, I lost one of my friends to cancer. It sucked...big time. Ms. Nolting grieved with us, supported us, and became the rock we needed as a whole group. She was more than just our Ag teacher, she was our advisor, mentor, and leader. She still is. 

I started my freshman year at Purdue with no doubt in my mind about teaching, but that didn't last forever. After student teaching I just wasn't sure that "teaching was for me". I couldn't find a teaching job right away and was given the opportunity to work for a hog farm in eastern Indiana. That experience taught me so many valuable lessons. However, the most valuable lesson was that I missed the classroom. 

I've recently read multiple articles about how terrible teaching is right now. How K-12 teachers "can't leave the profession fast enough." I've spent my fair share of lunch in the teacher's lounge complaining about the long hours, the endless paperwork, the thankless job, and the minimal pay. Don't get me wrong...I complain too, but today...Today I am thankful that I was called to this profession and I want to tell you that there are still teachers who love their job. I am one of those. Today, I love my job. 

I'm not here to toot my own horn, because I am so far from perfect it is comical. I'll never be "highly effective" and quite frankly, I don't care to be. I show up to work every single day and do the best that I can do that day. My lessons are not always super engaging, my students complain that "it sucks", and I'm not currently in the running for any awards. However, I received a text message yesterday that reminded me just why I love my job. 

It read: "Hey! Sorry it's so late. I've been meaning to text you all day and just got to it. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope today was filled with joy. Thank you for being such a great role model, listener, and just all around great person. I miss not being able to have you in class but the year I did have you I will never forget. So thank you for everything and always giving the best advice. You believe in your students when we don't even believe in ourselves and sometimes that means so much. Happy New Year!(:"

This message was among many. I was reminded yesterday, on my birthday, how truly blessed I am. The irony of this message is that it came from one of my former students. I previously taught at a different high school and NEVER felt like I was making a difference. I'm not sharing it with you because I want to brag on myself. I am sharing it with you because when I doubted myself and my abilities, I was giving this student exactly what she needed. Support. Teaching is hard. It is thankless. It requires so much more of my time than my previous office job. I still make pennies compared to some. But, my heart is full and I love my job. 

I hope this stands out as a reminder that, while education has some serious issues, there are still many teachers that love their job. I am so thankful I was called to this profession. 

Where do you find joy in your life?